Helpless
by fanofrandy
Summary: John Gage finds himself feeling "helpless" since the rescue of two boys from a storm drain.  Tag to "Helpful" Episode 2.2; Orig. Air Date December 16, 1972. A/N–-references to my story "Without Reservation" throughout—but,it stands alone. COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Helpless – Pt. 1

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: John Gage finds himself feeling "helpless" since the rescue of two boys from a storm drain. Tag to "Helpful" Episode 2.2; Orig. Air Date December 16, 1972. A/N – references to my story "Without Reservation" throughout—but, this is a stand-alone.

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It was just after midnight and John Gage found himself in the dayroom of Station 51. They had a grueling rescue that evening and all had been wet and tired upon returning to the station. After showers and a quick dinner, most of the men went right to bed, including John. However, there was something that was eating away at him and he could not find rest. Even when he did find sleep, it was chased away by an unsettling feeling and dreams he could not remember. He finally got up from his bunk and left the dorm, fearing he would wake his crewmates with his restless activities of tossing and turning, and hitting his pillow.

Roy had hit is pillow like that a few nights back. Roy had gotten into an argument with his wife, JoAnne and, with some nagging from Johnny, he finally let it slip that the argument was a result of Roy mentioning to JoAnne that Mike Stoker's spaghetti was better than hers. But, Johnny knew that Roy had forgiven him for nosing in his business earlier that night. So, he could not figure out what this troublesome feeling was.

The coffee that John put on when he had come into the dayroom was finally done and he poured himself a cup. As he did, he noticed that he had awakened another crewmember—the station's dog, Boot, who had returned after deserting them for a snorkel crew a few months prior. Boot was at John's feet. "You don't like me, remember?" John said to the dog. For some reason, Boot had not been very kind to him and he could not figure it out.

John walked over and sat on the sofa and Boot jumped up next to him. John carefully reached out his hand to pet the dog, and the dog allowed him to without barking or shying away like usual. "Well, I guess at midnight, when no one is around, that's when you like me, huh?" John teased the dog. Boot sidled up next to the tired fireman as if to console him. "Thanks, Boot." John said, "That makes me feel better."

John tried to pinpoint why he was so "out of sorts". They had rescued two small boys from certain death after they ventured down a storm drain into the sewer system. The rains had flooded the sewer and gas threatened to overtake them as well. When they were found, one boy had already succumbed to the gas fumes. John and Roy had found them just in time. The report from Rampart was that the boys would suffer no ill effects and they would be fine. "_So, why can't I sleep_?" John wondered. The dog next to him moved a bit, reminding John of his presence and need for attention.

"Ah, Boot." John said as he patted the dog's head. "You're a smart dog, ya know? Not like that dog we had to get off the roof the other day! Twice, I might add. You wouldn't go up on the roof would ya, boy?" John asked as he nuzzled the dog's fur. The dog whined a bit, but otherwise just relished the attention.

After another two cups of coffee, John thought he might try to go back to his bunk and get some rest. He stopped in the latrine first and then walked through the locker room to the dorms. He caught the smell of the still damp uniforms of his and Roy's drying over the shower door. The smell had permeated every fiber of his clothing and person when they had returned from Rampart.

"_Man_." John thought. "_I nearly bought it back there_." John remembered how he had fallen into the heavily-flowing waters with the child Roy had just handed him only moments before. He had trouble regaining his footing and went under a few times, trying to keep his young charge above water level, before Roy finally came to take the boy from him. When John got his bearings, he walked over to the ladder where Roy was heading up with the boy he had taken from him. The other boy started up the ladder behind Roy as John pushed him along by the seat of his pants.

John had become disoriented by the rain falling from the open manhole above and the strong current of water caught him unawares. He quickly went under and was nearly swept away. He fought to upright himself yet again, as an overwhelming sense of helplessness came over him, and took in some water before finally grabbing the ladder. He made his way slowly up and Roy was there to grab an arm to help him finish the climb. Once out, John just sat there at the manhole for a moment staring down at the rushing water below. He felt as though he was drowning and it took a minute to catch his breath. He shook off the feeling as Marco, Chet, and Roy gathered the children together.

As he walked into the dorm now, the feeling of drowning and being helpless hit him again and he took a few deep breaths to calm himself. He had swallowed some water, but it was nothing serious and he didn't even mention it to Roy or the others. As he lay his head down on his pillow, he felt so tired that he thought he would fall asleep right away. He tried to put the events of the evening to the back of his mind and listened to the rain that was still falling outside.

But, he continued to lay awake, wondering what it was about that rescue that would continue to chase sleep from him. The tossing and turning persisted until the morning tones sounded and the men all got up from their bunks to begin their day.

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"Watcha you doin' today, Gage." Kelly asked as the men changed from their uniforms to their civies at the end of their shift.

John was tired and not in the mood for any of Chet's pranks or jokes. "Why do YOU want to know?" He asked.

"Well, Marco and Mike and I were going out tonight to a new club. Thought you might want to join us." Chet extended the invitation. Marco, Chet, Mike and Johnny were the single men of the crew.

"Well, Chet, I happen to have a date tonight. So, thanks, but no thanks." John chided. He turned to Roy and gave a grin. As he closed his locker, the stale-water smell from the night before caught him again. He shuddered and grew a bit pale.

"Hey, you okay, Johnny." Roy worried as he sat down next to his Partner on the bench.

"Yeah," John answered. "I'm fine. Just kinda tired is all. I didn't get much rest last night."

"Is Roy still mad at ya' for stickin' your nose in his business." Chet joked from the other side of the lockers.

"No, I'm not mad at him. JoAnne and I are fine now and everything is okay." Roy announced. He had told John the night before as they left Rampart, but the rest of the guys had not known the argument had been settled. "You sure you're okay. You look pale, Partner." Roy returned his attention to John.

"Really. I'm okay. I just need to go home and get a nap before my date tonight, is all. I will see you next shift, if not before." John got up, waved his good-bye and left the station.

TBC

A/N: much of the background of this story is from the episode entitled "Helpful"—rescue of boys from storm drain, Roy's fight with JoAnne, Boot's return as mascot of 51's.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Helpless – Pt. 2

By: FanofRandy

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John got home and took the phone off the hook. He poured himself a glass of milk and took two aspirin. He closed the blinds and the curtains in his apartment, hoping he could find the sleep that eluded him the night before. He pulled off his shoes, socks and jeans. He lay on the bed and pulled the sheet over him. He closed his eyes and prayed for sleep to come.

Memories of his childhood haunted him. He dealt with most of his demons a long time ago, but they were ever present and would pop up at the most unexpected times. He remembered his mother's last words to him, "Sit still, John. Dad needs to concentrate on driving in this rain." She smiled at him as he wiggled in the back seat. That was the last thing he heard before the crashing of the other car against theirs…

"Dammit." He finally said. He had lay in bed for hours and just could not fall asleep. He picked up a book and read for a while and then got up to take a shower. It was after two and he had several hours to kill before he was to pick up his date. He decided to see if Roy was awake yet.

"Hullo…"

"Uh, Roy, sorry…did I wake you up?" John suddenly felt bad. His Partner sounded like he had been asleep.

"Yeah, but I need to get up anyway. What's up? You okay?" Roy shook his head to chase away the cobwebs.

"Sorry, I woke you up. I was just wondering if I could come over and…talk." John invited himself.

"Sure." Roy said, stunned. "I was just gettin' up anyway. I don't have anything pressing to do. C'mon over." Roy was worried. His Partner was not one to usually want to 'talk' so he knew something must be bothering his young friend.

"Be there in 20 minutes." John said as he hung up the phone. He quickly got dressed and made his way over to Roy's.

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Roy poured them some iced tea that JoAnne had made the day before and they sat out in the back yard of Roy's home. It was a beautiful day and both men enjoyed being outdoors. John sat staring at his drink and Roy allowed the silence. John had shared some of his history, but Roy could tell that there was MUCH more to know. Roy remembered John's parents had died when he was only 12. John told him that he had experienced a lot of taunting because his dad was an Indian and his mother had been white. But, Roy was sure that more bubbled just below the surface of John Gage.

"Roy, you know about my parents 'n all." He began slowly. "Um…how they died."

"Yeah, Johnny. You told me about the wreck and what happened to them." Roy confirmed.

John slowly nodded. He was not sure what to say; he could not piece together what was making him so uncomfortable and causing him such turmoil. "I can't put my finger on it, Roy…there's something about that rescue last night that has me…haunted, for lack of a better word."

"What is it? The kids are both okay. I called Dix again this morning and she said both boys will go home today. They were lucky we found 'em when we did." Roy assured his Partner.

"Yeah, I called, Dixie, too. You know, that kid I had coulda drowned when I fell with 'im in my arms." John admitted.

"Look, if that's what's got you so upset, you need to let it go. That water was running at a pretty good clip. I almost lost my footing several times, too. Besides, you kept his head above water until I was able to come get 'im from you. He was fine." Roy tried to ease his friend's angst over the situation.

"Yeah, Roy, I know that." John sniped, and then apologized. "'M sorry. I didn't mean to get upset. It's just that…when I went under that second time, and took in that water, I just knew I was gonna drown. I felt so damn helpless."

"What?" Roy implored. "What 'second time' are you talking about?" The older man questioned with some worry in his voice.

"Uh, I thought you knew. I got swept up again after you and the kids were up. I slipped and I couldn't reach the ladder right away, I felt so helpless against the rushing water…like those kids probably did. I really thought I was gonna drown." Johnny took deep breaths to calm himself.

"I'm sorry Johnny. I didn't see that. Did you get checked out at Rampart last night? You could have aspirated some water into your lungs. Maybe that's why you're breathing the way you are now." Roy worried.

"No, 'm fine. I just start to take deep breaths when I remember going under…it's like I'm remembering it happened before, and I can't catch my breath. It kept happening last night and that's why I couldn't sleep." John disclosed.

Roy was grateful John was sharing, but was concerned for the man's well-being. "Well, have you almost drowned before?" Roy asked. "Maybe you ARE remembering something."

John shook his head. "Of all that crap I went through as a kid, drowning was not one of them. I did save a kid from drowning one other time. I was in high school. That's when I decided to join the Department. One of the firemen that helped rescue the other kid came to visit me in the hospital…the water was cold; they were watching me for hypothermia…I decided then that I wanted to help people. I thought it would be a good way to honor my parents' memory." *

Roy nodded. He was beginning to understand John Gage a bit more with his revelations. "Well, Johnny, I know you had some rough times after your Dad and Mom died. What about then?" Roy ventured.

John looked Roy in the eye and said, "I could tell you some stories that would make your skin crawl, but none of them involve drowning, Roy." And, then he lowered his head and stared down at his hands.

Roy put his hand on the younger man's shoulder to offer some physical comfort. "Well, Partner, I wish I could help you understand what's going on, but I am fresh out of ideas of what could be happening. But, you are NOT helpless. You are strong and capable. You and I got those kids out and you got out okay, too, you know?" Roy put his offer of comfort to words.

John got up and put his glass on the table. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll be okay, Roy. Just talking about it has helped. I don't usually like to 'talk about things', but I thought I would give it a try and see how it turned out."

"How'd it turn out?" Roy queried.

"Well, I guess I feel a little better. You're a good listener." He gave Roy a grin. "And, you're right, those kids are gonna be okay and that is what matters. If I can concentrate on the positive, then maybe the other stuff will pass." He reasoned.

"So, where you goin' now?" Roy asked.

"Oh. I've got a date tonight. I need to go home, get ready and then go pick her up."

"Who is it this time, Junior?" Roy asked with a sarcastic tone.

"A nurse from Harbor General. She subbed over at Rampart last week and I asked her out." John shared.

"Oh, so you have gone through all the eligible nurses at Rampart; now you have moved on to Harbor General?" Roy joked.

"Ha, Ha. Very funny, Roy." John said as he made his way around the side of the house to his car. "See you next shift, Pally." He called behind him.

"Yeah, see you. Have a good time on your date." Roy called as he picked up the glasses and made his way into the house. Something was nagging at Roy, but he could not put his finger on it. He hoped his Partner was going to be okay.

TBC

*From my story "Without Reservation"


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Helpless – Pt. 3

By: FanofRandy

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The date did not go well. He had tried to get into the "mood" and have a good time, but he could not block the image of going under water from his head. He picked at his food and was not a very good conversationalist. He finally took the young lady home, apologized, and went home to try to get some rest. He had not slept any length of time in over 48 hours and he was certain that he would not be getting much more before his next shift.

The next day he was off and the day was filled with errands, grocery shopping, laundry and helping his neighbor lady with a project. When he finally returned home, he realized that it was dinner time and he had not eaten all day. Exhaustion and hunger overwhelmed him and he gave in to the latter. After making himself a sandwich and grabbing a glass of milk, he sat on the sofa to eat. He finished his meal and lay down on the couch to rest his eyes. He was jolted awake by the sound of water rushing past his ears and his dad's voice saying, "You're gonna be okay, Son." John could not think of what the dream meant. He searched his memory for a match to the dream, but came up empty. He resigned to the bedroom and pulled the covers down the bed. He fell into the sheets and a fitful sleep.

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When he returned to the station the next day his exhaustion was apparent to everyone. "Didn't get much rest, huh, Gage?" Dwyer commented as John entered the dayroom from the parking lot. "Heard you had a hot date."

"Where'd you hear that?" John snapped back, but followed with, "Oh, never mind." When he saw Roy walk in to the Day Room. "So, how was the shift?" John diverted.

"Actually, pretty quiet despite the rains. Roy told me about the rescue you had the other night…the kids in the storm drain. Glad we didn't have anything like that." Dwyer said as he got up to follow John to the Locker Room.

John answered. "Yeah, I guess you guys got lucky."

John walked on to the locker rooms and when he opened the door, the smell of stagnant water stopped him in his tracks. An overwhelming sense of déjà vu came over him. He moved to the bench in front of his locker and sat down. He opened his locker and saw that his shoes were still in there from the previous shift. "_That smell is familiar._" Johnny thought. But he could not remember where he had smelled it before and why it seemed to cause him such unease. He resolved that it was the stress he and Roy endured as they searched for the boys. Rescues involving children were always more of a strain. He shook off the feeling and continued to dress for his shift. He was nearly dressed when Roy walked up beside him.

"Hey, Junior." Roy greeted.

John jumped. "Man! Roy, you gotta sneak up on a guy like that?" He declared, obviously startled by Roy's presence.

"I thought you woulda heard the door, Johnny. 'M sorry." Roy apologized as he assessed his Partner while getting dressed himself. "Did you get ANY sleep last night?" Roy asked, remembering their talk about his restlessness.

"Not much." He admitted. "I guess I have just gotten too tired to sleep." John deduced.

"Now that doesn't make sense. Do you think that swallowing that water has gotten you sick?" Roy worried.

"No, 'm not sick. Just can't sleep is all. I lay there and…nothin'. When I do get to sleep, then I wake up with a jolt, like 'm fallin' or somethin'." John explained.

Roy was careful to tread lightly so his Partner would not close down. "You think Brackett can help? Maybe give you something to help you sleep—at least when we are off shift?" He ventured.

"Dunno. Maybe. I'm okay right now. I may check with Brackett when I get off t'morrow." John acquiesced. Roy was at a loss for words. This was not what he had come to expect from his Partner in the two years they had been working together. John Gage generally hid his feelings, emotions, aches and pains and was not open to outside help. But, something had changed.

"Johnny, what's going on?" Roy asked his now pensive Partner.

John was staring into his locker and had become silent. He was suddenly overcome by a memory that disturbed him to his very core and he was unaware of Roy's words. He looked at the bottom of his locker as he remembered the water rushing over him once again and he was going under…

He was shaken from the vision when Roy's arm landed on his shoulder. "Hey, Partner. You okay?" Roy asked.

John jerked and turned toward Roy. "Uh, yeah. I just-just…I don't know, it was like I was remembering somethin'." John deflected as he grabbed his shoes to put them on. Roy caught the smell as well.

"Those the ones you were wearin' the other night in the storm drain?" Roy questioned.

"Yeah. Musta left 'em here when we got off shift the other morning." John said as he tied the bow in the first shoe.

Just then, Cap called out, "Roll Call in five, men." John sighed; grateful the conversation would end, at least for the time being. Roy turned to answer Cap's call as John shut his locker and walked out into the bay without another word.

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John and Mike were assigned to hang hose. After the rains the last few days, there was a lot of hose to clean and hang to dry. John loved this assignment since it usually meant he would be up in the hose tower, 50 feet off the ground. Up there, John felt freer, more at peace. Most of the men did not begrudge him the task of pulling the hose up the tower. They would rather have their feet planted on terra firma. Mike was a quiet soul and John knew that meant that there would not be anyone asking him questions or bothering him with details of his date night.

As he pulled the last of the hose up from Mike, Chet called out from the bay doors, "Hey, Gage. How was your date the other night?" Any hope of avoiding the subject was now gone.

"None of your business, Chet." John yelled to his tormentor. But, he knew that Chet would be relentless in his pursuit of information.

"Aw, c'mon, Johnny-baby. Tell us how you swept her off her feet and all, why dontcha?" Chet mocked.

As John hung the last few feet of hose, he glanced down at Mike who was smiling up at him and shaking his head. "Mike, you wanna turn that hose on Chet for me, Pal?" John joked with his crew mate and motioned toward the hose attached to the back of the station.

"Be glad to Gage." Mike quipped. "But, I don't think it will shut 'im up. It'll just get 'im wet."

John was taken back once again to their last rescue in the storm drain. "Why can't I shake this one?" John wondered aloud.

"What did you say, Johnny?" Mike called up; not quite hearing the man's words.

"Uh…nothin' Mike. Be down in a minute." John recovered.

In his mind, John could see water rushing over him as he went under for a second time, but it was not in the storm drain a few nights ago…it was when he was 12 years old…and the memory threw him off balance and he started to tumble...

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Helpless – Pt. 4

By: FanofRandy

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The men below heard more than saw John's tumble. He had managed to catch himself after missing about four steps. "Johnny, are you okay." Mike yelled as he began to run up the steps to check on his crewmate.

Roy and the others had heard Mike's call and were out of the bay in moments. They all gathered at the bottom of the hose tower as Roy followed Mike's lead, taking the steps two at a time. When they reached their friend, he had already pulled himself up and was sitting shaking his head back and forth.

"Johnny, are you okay?" Roy repeated Mike's earlier question as he moved past the Engineer to check on his Partner.

"Yeah, m' okay…I just lost my footing for a minute is all. I caught myself." John sounded more disgusted with himself than anything. Roy and Mike could both see the tear in John's pants and the blood seeping from a cut on his knee.

"Well, you didn't do a very good job...of catching yourself, I mean." Mike joked, but thought better of it when he saw the look John flashed him. "Sorry, man." Mike said soberly.

Roy began his assessment, "Were you dizzy, Johnny? What made you lose your balance?" Roy's worry was apparent in his questions and his tone of voice.

"I just took a misstep. That's all Roy. Let's go to Rampart and get it checked out." John said as he got up to make his way to the Squad.

Both Mike and Roy looked at John, then at each other, and back to John. "What?" John exclaimed. "You know Cap is gonna make me go anyway. I might as well just keep him from the trouble of ordering me to, huh?" He reasoned with his coworkers.

Roy and Mike reached out to help John down the stairs, but he brushed away their hands and moved carefully down on his own. The two men followed behind him, again looking at each other and wondering what had gotten into John Gage. It was certainly NOT like him to be the one to say he needed to go to Rampart.

"What happened there, Pal?" Cap asked as John exited the hose tower door. He walked over to the young man and put a hand on his shoulder and glanced down at the leg he was now favoring as he walked toward the station.

"Just lost my footing is all, Cap. It's okay, really. Roy's gonna take me to Rampart to get it checked out. I'm sure it's nothing…just a scrape." John admitted to his superior.

"Let me get this straight, John. You are willingly going to Rampart, without me having to TELL you to go?" Cap clarified.

John just shook his head. "Cap, you would have ordered me to anyway, right?"

"Well, yeah, I would've. Right, you and Roy go to Rampart so they can check you out, Pal." Cap said with a ring of authority and a subtle hint of confusion. He gave Roy a sideways glance as he exited the tower with Mike. Roy just shrugged his shoulders and followed his Partner to the Squad.

"We'll be back as soon as we can, Cap." Roy called behind him.

"I will stand the Squad down for the next hour, until you let me know how he is." Cap called back.

John limped into the bay and shot Chet a look that said, "NOT NOW" and Chet 'heard' it loud and clear. He nodded to John as he passed and said, "Hope you're okay, Gage." As he handed him a towel to apply to the wound until he arrived at the hospital.

"'M fine, Chet. Just a scratch is all." John reassured Chet as he passed and accepted the offer of the towel. He settled into the passenger seat of the Squad and waited for Roy. He took a deep breath as he recalled the memory that had caused him to lose his footing as he applied pressure to the wound on his knee.

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Rampart was busy when they arrived. Nurse Carol assigned John to Treatment Room 4 and told him that she would try to find him a doctor. "Uh, not Morton, huh?" He called behind her as she walked out of the room. She glanced back and gave him a slight smile and looked at Roy. Roy nodded and she left.

"What do you have against Morton?" Roy asked John after Carol had left the room.

"Uh, nothin'. I'd just rather have Bracket is all." John answered carefully. Roy knew that his Partner and Morton were not on the best of terms, but in their work, they had to respect all doctors and their skills—even the residents. Mike Morton made up for his lack of bedside manner in his ability and knowledge. But, John would need someone with working knowledge of "Gage" today.

Just then, the door opened and Brackett stepped into the room. His brow furrowed when he saw John sitting on the exam table. "What did you get yourself into now, hose-jockey?" He teased as he walked toward his patient.

"Just missed a couple stairs and took a bit of a tumble is all, Doc." John explained. Brackett looked to the other paramedic, thinking there was more to the story. Roy merely nodded and shrugged his shoulders.

Brackett pulled the towel away from the wound and John flinched slightly. The bleeding had already abated and the wound was fairly minor. "I don't think it will need any stitches, Johnny. And, there doesn't appear to be a lot of swelling to indicate anything broken. Did you hear anything break or crack?" He asked.

"No, nothing like that, Doc. Just missed a couple steps when I lost my footing and came down on my knee…no big deal, but Cap made me come get checked out." John said as he glanced at Roy. He wondered if Roy would contradict his story since John had been more than willing to come to the hospital before Cap told him to. Roy made eye contact with John and tilted his head as if to question him, but John looked away quickly.

"Okay, Johnny, I'm gonna have Carol come back in here and wash this up really good and apply a sterile dressing. When was your last tetanus shot?"

"Uh." John paused as he remembered a man who worked at a nursery Roy and he responded to that had fallen ill with tetanus. The guy had been pretty bad off, but he lived. "I can't remember."

"Well, while Carol is in here cleaning this up, I will go check your records. If I can't find that you have had one in the last few years, then I will give you one before you leave just as a , we will also give you a shot of antibiotics just to be safe." Brackett told John as he began to walk out the door.

"Hey, Doc." John called after him, "Can I talk with ya' a minute before you go?" His eyes diverted to Roy, "Uh, Roy, can you give us a minute, please?" Roy looked at his Partner curiously, but obliged. He stepped out into the hall as Brackett turned his attention back to John.

"What is it, Johnny?" Brackett asked in a concerned tone. He had never known John to dismiss Roy from any discussion of his health concerns before.

"Well, Doc. I—I—well, I haven't been sleeping well since that rescue…you know, the one with the kids in the storm drain." John confessed to the doctor before him.

"Johnny, by my understanding the kids were fine. They were released yesterday. They had no injuries and no ill effects from the gas they inhaled. What's got you bugged?" Brackett inquired.

John looked the doctor in the eyes and took a deep breath and shared, "I don't know for sure. I think it has something to do with the car accident when my parent's died. And, you are the only one around here who knows all the details to that time in my life. I haven't even told Roy about all that stuff yet." John spat out. He took a few deep breaths as he was once again overwhelmed with a sense of drowning and helplessness.

"Hey there, now...what is it? Are you having difficulty breathing?" Brackett walked to his patient's side to assess his respirations.

"No. It's been happening since the rescue. Roy passed me the kid that was unconscious and I put my mask on his face to get him some air…well, when I turned to get out of there, I got hit by this rush of water that took me under. I tried to keep the kid up, but I went under a couple times. Roy came to get the kid and I made my way to the ladder. But, then I lost my footing again. I swallowed some water and I felt like I was gonna drown. I got outta there okay, but I just had this sense of déjà vu—like I had almost drowned before. Today, on the hose tower, I had this flash of going under water just before I fell, but it wasn't the other night, it was when I was 12. I feel like I'm goin' crazy, Doc." John summed up his story.

Brackett shook his head and gave John a smirk. "I've often wondered if you were a little off, Johnny." He joked and was rewarded with a slight grin from his patient. "But, there has to be some explanation. It sounds to me like you are having some kind of flashback or memory recall that was brought on by something that happened during the rescue. Think, Johnny, did anything remind you of the night your parents died?" Brackett inquired.

John had spent a long time trying to put that night behind him. He did not want to think about it all, but it always seemed to be right at the edge of his daily thoughts and permeated his sleep in the form of nightmares. "It WAS raining and, there was this smell, Doc." John admitted.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Helpless – Pt. 5

By: FanofRandy

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Roy stood in the hallway and paced in front of the door to the treatment room he had just left. Roy knew that his Partner had a lot in his past that remained hidden, but hoped that John felt that he could trust Roy with his secrets now that they had been working together for nearly two years. Roy had told his Partner all about his life, his family, his Army days and early days in the fire department. John Gage had become a member of the DeSoto family. Roy hoped that John would share more of himself over the years.

Being dismissed from the room, for that was how he considered it, was like a slap in the face. Roy became a bit angry, but then thought of what he already knew about John Gage. He had lost his parents in a car accident when he was 12 and then endured several foster homes in the years following. Though Roy was not partial to the whole story, he did know that John's childhood included some physical abuse which was apparent by some scars on his back. Roy guessed that John might be embarrassed, humiliated or hurt by those memories and immediately felt ashamed for being angry with his friend for keeping his past to himself. Roy knew that John would share more when he felt comfortable in doing so.

Roy looked at the closed door and thought, "_Well, if he doesn't trust me yet to help 'im, then maybe he trusts Brackett_."

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Brackett's brow furrowed as he considered what John had said. "A smell, you say?"

"Yeah. The same smell that I had on me and in my nostrils after the rescue, and on my clothes and my shoes t'day." John admitted.

"The sense of smell is closely linked to memory recall, Johnny. Of the five senses, it is the most prominent one linked to memory. We call memories recalled through smell, 'olfactory responses.' These memories could be totally repressed, but return when triggered by a similar or identical smell. Do you remember a time when you nearly drowned as a child?"

"Roy already asked me, Doc. NO, I don't remember almost drowning. But, there must be something that has caused me to think about that night again. It was raining the other night…and, it was raining when we got into the car accident, too." John recalled for the doctor.

"YOU were in the car with your parents when they died?" Brackett clarified.

John looked at the doctor curiously. "Well, yeah. You didn't know that? I thought you pretty much knew everything about me—since you got my medical records 'n all."

Brackett shook his head in disbelief. "No. I didn't read that in the records. Were you hospitalized that night, Johnny?"

John thought back to the night when his parents were taken from him. He remembered being at the Sheriff station and seeing a lot of men in uniforms gathering around him. He vaguely remembered someone taking his blood pressure and temperature, but he could not remember a hospital. "No, I don't think I was in a hospital. I remember someone taking some vitals, but I don't know if it was a doctor or what."

"Johnny, did you ever get a report of what happened that night?"

John shook his head. "No." He looked mournful. "I tried a few times, but got the runaround. When my aunt came to get me to move me here, I just left all that behind. Tell you the truth, Doc, it was probably listed as an '_NHI_' since an Indian, an Indian-lover and a half-breed kid were the victims."

"What is an '_NHI_', Johnny?" Brackett wondered aloud.

"That's what they call 'accidents'," Johnny used his fingers to create the quotation marks, "involving Indians. It means, _no humans involved_."

Brackett was shocked at the phrase and felt sorry for the horrible racism that existed in the world. "Johnny, you don't think that your parents' deaths were an accident?" Brackett picked up on the motion John used when he said the word "accident."

"No, I never did. I saw headlights in the rearview mirror and felt a car hit us from behind. Someone ran us off the road. And, that is all I remember until I was in the sheriff's office and they told me my parents were dead and I was gonna go to the orphanage." Johnny shared his sad story.

Brackett was realizing more and more why John Gage acted like a child sometimes. The doctor remembered hearing a lecture about childhood trauma. The speaker had theorized that children who experienced trauma at a young age—abuse, loss of a loved one, a tragic accident—were typically stunted emotionally at the age of the trauma. John, having experienced the trifecta, acted like a big 12 year-old kid sometimes.

"John, let me do some research of your medical files I got from Oklahoma a couple years ago. I need to check on that tetanus shot right now. I will have you sign a release and I will request the accident report, too. And, if you need it, I can give you something to help you sleep. Alright?" John nodded his agreement. "I will send Roy back in and Carol to clean that out and bandage it. Okay?"

"Sure, Doc." John assented as he lay back and put his leg up on the exam table for easy access for the nurse.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

John rubbed his bicep where he had received the shot. It was a shot of antibiotics rather than a tetanus shot, and it really stung. "Roy, 'm sorry for askin' you to leave. Are you sore at me?" He asked his Partner as they drove back to the Station.

Roy shook his head. "I guess I was a little, at first. But, I know you'll tell me what you want to, when you want to." Roy allowed.

John looked out of the window and watched the buildings pass and allowed the silence. "Brackett thinks that something that happened in that storm drain rescue triggered some kind of repressed memory from when I was a kid." John revealed.

"Repressed memory?" Roy questioned.

"Yeah. He said that the sense of smell is pretty powerful and sometimes smells can cause people to remember things that they had forgotten or repressed." John told Roy. "So, maybe you were right the other day when you asked me if I had almost drowned as a kid. Maybe I did and just don't remember it." Johnny acknowledged as he played with the hole in his pants. "Guess 'm gonna have to buy another pair of pants." John said, trying to change the subject.

Roy understood and played along, "You go through more uniforms than the average firefighter, my Friend." He joked.

Both men shared the peace of a companionable silence for the rest of their drive to the station.

TBC

A/N: I personally have many 'olfactory responses' that trigger memories/flashbacks from my childhood. (I.e. The smell of ivory soap takes me back to church camp as a child) Though I have no concrete memories of much of my youth, some smells can trigger intense images that were forgotten/repressed.

Also, no offense is meant by the comments made about American Indians...the bigotry and racism that is portrayed is, unfortunately, something that this country is still dealing with-many minorities still contend with it as shameful as it is!


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Helpless – Pt. 6

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

"I don't give a damn if he is on vacation. I want him to call me today!" Brackett yelled into the phone. "Yes, I have a signed release from Mr. Gage to get any and all records pertaining to the accident."

Joe Early was walking by Brackett's office and heard the loud, seemingly one-sided conversation. He rapped gently at the door and opened it, peering in. He looked at his friend who was standing in front of his desk on the phone and all became clear. Joe nodded to Brackett who waved the doctor into the office.

"Yes, have him call me at one of those numbers. I can be paged. This is important." Brackett was exasperated and Joe could tell. "I expect that file by the end of the week." Brackett slammed the phone down.

Joe eyed his friend curiously. "What was that all about, Kel?"

Brackett shook his head. "It's about how small towns work. Or, don't work in this case." Brackett took a seat in his desk chair and sipped his coffee. He clarified for Joe who was furrowing his brow in wonder. "That was the Sheriff office in Wewoka, Oklahoma. The town where Johnny's from. I called them to get the file on the accident that killed his parents. I wanted to talk to the sheriff, too. But, apparently he is on vacation for two weeks. Go figure."

"People have the right to take vacation, Kel. What's got you so bothered about this? What's the rush?" He remembered Kel requesting the documents to arrive by week's end.

"I talked with Johnny today. He has been having trouble sleeping since that rescue in the storm drain of those two kids. Seems that rescue has summoned some unfavorable memories for our young paramedic." Brackett shared.

Joe remembered looking at Johnny's medical records from Florida and Oklahoma. The man they had come to call friend had been through a lot in his young life, and both doctors were amazed at his resilience. "What's going on with him?"

"He came in today with an injured knee. Nothing major, just a slight laceration. He fell down a few steps in the hose tower at the station. He told me that before he fell, he had a "flash" that put him off balance and caused him to stumble."

"And, you let him go back on duty?" Joe wondered.

"He checked out okay otherwise. I did a quick neurocheck and he was fine. He said he hadn't been sleeping well, but Roy would have told me if he couldn't handle the job. I have never seen Johnny like this. He seemed almost…almost…" Brackett could not find his words.

"What, Kel?" Joe prompted.

"Helpless. That's the only word I can find. You know Johnny. He's not gonna ask for help unless he's missing a limb or something…and, even then, we will have to strap him down. When he talked to me today, he seemed like a scared little boy who could not understand what was happening to him." Brackett leaned back in his chair and sipped his coffee again.

"Kel, you know we made the decision to allow Johnny to continue as a paramedic together. Maybe we were wrong. Maybe the stress is too much for him considering his history." Joe offered. *

"NO. Joe, you don't understand. It took a while for me and Johnny to jive, but I think he trusts me now, and I am not gonna betray that trust. I'm gonna help him get to the bottom of whatever is bothering him and help get him through this. If it is the last thing I do. He deserves that much, doncha think?" Brackett sounded convincing.

"Sure, Kel. Johnny is one of the best. But, if he can't hack it, are you gonna be able to cut him loose?" Joe asked.

"I don't know, Joe. I hope it doesn't come to that. I really hope it doesn't." Brackett sat back and waited for his phone to ring with news from Oklahoma.

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John was called into Cap's office when they returned to the Station. "So, what did Brackett say?" Cap asked the now-bandaged paramedic.

John picked at the hole in his trousers. "Oh, just a scratch really. Got it all patched up and he gave me a shot of antibiotics to guard against infection, too. That hurt more than the scrape to be truthful." John rubbed his arm where he had received the shot again.

"So, you gonna be okay to finish the shift, Pal?" Cap got to the point.

Johnny got up and walked across to shut the door. Rarely was Cap's door closed unless he was reprimanding someone, which was rare; or, there was a personal conversation with one of the crew. John returned to his chair, sat down, and took a deep breath before he began.

"Cap, I have been working with you for what, about a year now?" It was more a statement than a question, so John continued. "You know my parents died in a car accident when I was 12, right?" Cap just nodded. "Well…what I haven't really told anyone is that I was in that accident, too." Cap looked at his junior paramedic and sighed. He knew John Gage had a rough life, but details had been in short supply.

"I am so sorry, John. That's terrible." Cap consoled.

"Yeah." John was not used to accepting consolation from others, as it was not a mainstay during his youth. Mostly John Gage was dismissed, abused, mistreated, tortured, and forgotten. He was used to that. But, when people were nice to him, he was uncomfortable. "Well, apparently, along with all the 'great' memories I have of that night." He was being facetious and Cap picked up on it. "I am now remembering some other things that might have happened, too. Brackett said that I may have been repressed memories that were brought to the surface by somethin' that happened the other night with that storm-drain rescue." John honestly shared.

Cap was both grateful and puzzled by what he was hearing. He was grateful that John trusted him enough to share the information, but puzzled as to how to help his young crew member. "How can you know if these 'memories' are real?" Cap asked, hoping for some clarity.

"I keep remembering going under the water, like what happened the other night." John explained. His captain began to interrupt, but John continued. "I was okay, Cap…even though I went under a couple times. But, the smell of the water on my clothes and in my nose, it seemed familiar. I haven't been able to sleep very well since then, and t'day, in the tower, all the sudden, it just swept over me…the feeling like I was drowning. And, I lost my footing and missed a few steps is all." John took another deep breath and continued. "Brackett thinks that maybe there was something else that happened that night, besides Dad and Mom dyin'. He sent away for the sheriff report for that night so we can find out."

"So, now we wait?" Cap clarified.

"Yeah, I guess so. In the meantime, Brackett gave me a mild sedative to take when I am off duty to help me get some rest if I need it. And, he told me that I have to eat at least three times a day, too." John admitted.

"Well, Pal…if we aren't on a run, then I want you eating whatever gets put on your plate at meal times, okay? And, at the risk of butting my nose in, I think you should talk to Roy about all this, too. He should know what you are dealing with since you work so closely together. As long as I can see that you are capable, then I won't pull you off duty. But, if Roy, me or any of the guys, feel that you aren't up to the job, then I will sit you out faster than you can pull on your turnouts for a midnight call." Cap was honest and John was grateful.

"I know, Cap. I wouldn't do anything to put anyone else in danger. And, I will talk to Roy…it's just hard, you know?"

"I know, Pal. But, you two are a great team. I would hate for you to let something from your past destroy a bright future, Son." He stood up and patted John on the shoulder as the two men left the office. It was lunch time and they all enjoyed Chet's Irish stew. John had two bowls as Cap smiled across the table.

TBC

*From my story "Without Reservation".


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Helpless – Pt. 7

By: FanofRandy

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Since John and Mike had finished hanging the hose that morning, before his injury, John tried to keep himself busy. He helped Mike as he shined the Engine. He helped Roy with his chore of mopping the apparatus bay, and he played some basketball outside that afternoon with Chet and Marco. His knee hurt a bit, but he gradually got used to it. Normally, John would not mind a slow shift. But, when one was short on rest and long on melancholy, it was not a happy mixture.

Gratefully, the tones sounded at 3:30pm calling Station 51 and several others to a structure fire. "Finally!" John thought as he rushed to the Squad.

"Station 51, Station 8, Station 10, Engine 12, Truck 15, respond to structure fire at 556 Stonehill Way; 5 – 5 – 6 Stonehill Way, cross street Belmont. Time out 15:31."

"Station 51; KMG-365" Came Cap's reply. As he replaced the handset and hit the bay door release, he handed a call slip off to Roy and ran to take his seat in the Engine.

John guided the Squad and Engine following to the location. When they arrived, they saw a 9-story tenement building with fire engulfing the top floors. They could see a few people still exiting the building as smoke billowed.

John and Roy jumped from the Squad and put on their turnout gear and SCBA's. They reported to their Captain for assignments. "John, Roy, you get up to the 7th floor—8 and 9 are fully involved-and check for any victims. Work your way down and keep your HT's at the ready. This thing could go at any minute. Let's roll." He nodded them off in the direction of the entrance and they sprinted to their duty.

John put his mask on just before they entered the building and saw Roy come up quickly behind him. They entered together and John felt safe with Roy at his back.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

About the time John and Roy entered the burning building, Kel Brackett was paged to his office for a phone call. "This is Dr. Brackett." He announced into the phone.

"Uh, Dr. Brackett, this is Sheriff Rob Jones in Wewoka. I got an urgent message to call you. What can I do for you, doctor?" The sheriff sounded confused.

"Sheriff, I am sorry to interrupt your vacation, but I have a bit of a quandary here and I feel like you might be able to help me. I have a patient I am treating; he is a firefighter here in Los Angeles County. He grew up in Wewoka and his parents were killed in a car accident about 10 years ago and I am having a hell of time getting details on what really happened that night." Brackett put all his authority behind what he had to say.

"That'd be the Gage's…are you talkin' about John Gage, Doctor?" The sheriff clarified. Brackett was a little surprised that the sheriff knew of the incident. He had been told with his first call that the sheriff at the time of the accident had since died and a new one had been elected.

"Yes, that is exactly who I am talking about. What can you tell me about that night? I understand that the sheriff on duty that night passed away, but I need as many details as I can possibly get." Brackett pushed.

The man on the other end of the call cleared his throat before he said, "Dr. Brackett, I was actually on duty that night. I was the Deputy Sheriff. My dad, Robert Jones, Sr. was the sheriff when that happened. It was a terrible, terrible thing that happened. That little boy left without his parents, and all…just terrible." The voice trailed off.

"So, you were there?" Brackett clarified.

"Yeah. I was the first on scene. I saw the broken railing and noticed how the car ended up in the river. It was raining to beat hell and I couldn't get down to embankment right away, so I called for help. It took a few minutes for my dad and the emergency trucks to arrive." The man took a deep breath as he continued. "When I got down to the car, it was filled with water and I was pretty certain that everyone had died or drown. But, then somethin' caught my eye. When I looked, I saw the kid, uh…John, lying on the bank of the river with his dad next to 'im. It looked like his dad musta pulled him outta the car and dragged him to safety. I ran to the boy and sat him up to get him away from the rushing water and when I did, he began coughing and throwing up water. Looked like his dad probably got him out just in time. I picked him up and took him to my car. Sure was a skinny little cuss…I sat with him while my dad and the others checked his parents. It was a pretty bad scene. Both of his parents were dead…" He trailed off again. The silence lingered and Brackett spoke up.

"What injuries did Johnny's parents have?"

"I didn't see them…when I got the boy out, I just stayed with him until I took him back to the station. I was told later that the mother drowned and the father bled out. I had one of the ladies at the station check John out when we arrived…she was our dispatcher and a part-time nurse at the hospital. She said he was okay and then they came and took 'im to the orphanage." The man sounded like he was holding something back. "You won't get much from the report, Dr. Brackett. You know, my dad and the other guys at that time didn't really do much investigating when it came to 'their kind', if you know what I mean?" The Sheriff said with shame in his voice.

"THEIR KIND? What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?" Brackett seethed.

"Dr. Brackett, I know it sounds barbaric, and I actually agree with you. But, it was part of the culture then. The townsfolk didn't have much use for folks from the 'rez' and the Indians didn't have much regard for us either. The Indians from the Trustlands were not counted too much above livestock at that time, to tell you the truth." The man admitted.

"No human's involved…" Brackett breathed into the phone.

"Yeah…that's kinda what the mindset was. I didn't agree with it, sir, but my dad was the sheriff and I couldn't much speak up at the time." Sheriff Jones confessed.

"Well, I am sorry to tell you this, Sheriff, but it may be that you helped cover up a murder. According to John, the car was run off the road when another car that hit them from behind. And, Johnny isn't even aware of how his parent's died. He had no recollection, until recently, of any drowning—especially his own." Brackett shared.

"I wasn't aware of another car being involved. The kid…uh…John, wouldn't answer my questions and we just pieced together the accident report. I will pull the file when I get to the office tomorrow, Dr. Brackett, and see what was reported. I am afraid, though, that it won't be much. I hate to admit it, but…" The man paused his thought.

"Yeah, yeah…I heard ya'…there wasn't much regard for the death of an Indian and his white wife. Or, what happened to their son after they were killed." Brackett could not contain his disgust at what he was hearing. He had not really wanted to believe John when he told him about the extreme bigotry and racism he encountered, but it was becoming more and more clear to him that his young friend had been telling the truth. He was also getting more of an idea of what might be causing John's unease and restlessness. "Send me that file as soon as you can, huh, Sheriff?" Brackett finalized.

"Sure, Dr. Brackett. And, please let John know how sorry I am for what happened. I really did feel sorry for him that night. Losing his parents and all…it was a real shock to him. I spent days trying to track down a family member, but never did find anyone. I hated that he had to go to that orphanage and then ending up sick and all." The Sheriff sympathized.

Brackett's ears perked. "Sick. How sick was he?"

"Well…" The sheriff began, "He was pretty sick with a fever and pneumonia for about a week or ten days after the accident. The Nun's at the orphanage took pretty good care of 'im as far as I could tell. When I checked on him a few weeks later, he was withdrawn and looked really sad. I didn't know what to do. I wish to hell now that I had done something more for the boy." A long sigh was breathed and the guilt was apparent.

"John Gage is one of the strongest men I know, Sheriff. Whatever happened, he was able to overcome it…I just hope that his past does not come back to destroy him now." Brackett sighed as he said good-bye to the man and hung up the phone.

Just then he heard a knock on his door.

"Enter." Brackett said.

"Kel, there has been a building collapse downtown. There are three Squads at the scene. You better come quick." Dixie said as she opened the door and stepped into his office.

Both looked at each other grimly and made their way to the Base Station to await the report.

TBC

A/N: extreme illness and trauma can cause memories to be repressed…


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Helpless – Pt. 8

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

John and Roy felt, more than heard, the building lurch. They knew that the motion meant that the ceiling or walls could tumble down around them at any moment. They glanced at one another as if to say, "Let's get outta here." Soon, their fears were confirmed as they heard their captain's voice come over the HT. "Engine 51 to HT 51. John, Roy…get outta there as soon as you can. The roof is gonna go." They were not far from a stairwell door and they both moved toward it.

Roy reached the mark first and his hand flew over the door to check for heat. When he found that it was safe, he opened the door to their exit. As he stepped through, he could feel his Partner behind him, but had a sense of dread. When he turned, he noticed that everything behind John was disintegrating—Roy grabbed John just as the debris from above came collapsing down. Both Paramedics tumbled down the flight of stairs just as the floors above them gave way.

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"Engine 51 to HT 51. Do you read?" Cap called into the radio. He saw the top floors collapse and he needed to know that his men were safe. When silence followed his hails, he hung his head and said a prayer for the two men. "_Lord, let them be okay._" Was his only plea. Mike was monitoring the gauges on Engine when he heard Cap's call to Gage and DeSoto. He also said a quick prayer for his crewmates. They continued to battle the fire as they also began plans to search for the missing men.

"Cap, did you hear from Johnny and Roy?" Chet called as he walked up to the Engine. "They were farther up than the rest of us when it all came down." He was pulling off his SCBA to replace his air bottle with a new one. The look he saw on Cap's face, and Mike's, told him all he needed to know. "Dammit. Cap, what are we gonna do?" Chet implored.

"WE find 'em." Cap retorted. "Engine 51 to Station 8. Request assistance with search and rescue of upper floors once we have the fire contained. We have two missing Paramedics." He glanced at his watch and noticed that it was 16:30. This was going to be a long day, indeed.

"10-4, Engine 51. Station 8 available for search and rescue." Captain Stone replied to Hank Stanley's call for assistance.

Before he knew what was happening, Paramedics Brice and Bellingham were running up to Big Red to join 51's crew as they prepared to search for their missing brothers.

"What can we do, Captain Stanley?" Brice barked out as he awaited instructions.

"They were on the 7th floor. Let's start there once we get this contained…" Captain Stanley ordered. The men nodded their understanding and went to change out their air tanks before entering the building. Though all of them wondered quietly, "_Is there a 7__th__ floor anymore?_"

Just then, two more Paramedics from Station 10 ran up to him. "We can help, too, Cap." Gil Robinson (*) and his partner, Tom Kirk both offered their services. All the Paramedics on scene wanted to help the pair who was now missing. Cap nodded his head in understanding.

"Why don't you update Rampart and then join in the search, men." Cap ordered. He was humbled by the fact that his men, _his Paramedics_, were so highly regarded.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Gil picked up the BioPhone receiver and pressed the button to transmit, "Rampart, this is Squad 10. Do you read?"

Brackett, Dixie, and Dr.'s Early and Morton were all standing at the Base Station after hearing about the building collapse. They were all awaiting for news and dreading what might be coming. Brackett responded, "This is Rampart. Go ahead Squad 10." They all collectively took a deep breath…

"Uh, Rampart, we are at the site of a building collapse. This is an 'information only' report…We have at least two possible Code I's and are waiting for the 'all clear' to commence our search." Gil held his composure as well as he could. He had worked with both John Gage and Roy DeSoto. He admired and respected them for their skills, but also considered them to be friends. He silently hoped that this would end well.

"Who are the missing men, Squad 10?" Brackett inquired; not sure if he or those around him were ready for the news. They all emotionally braced themselves.

"Gage and DeSoto were in the building when the collapse occurred, Rampart. We will begin search and rescue as soon as we get our orders. We will update as soon as possible. Squad 10, out." Robinson wanted nothing more than to enter the building and find the missing men. He updated Rampart as Captain Stanley requested. He and Kirk put on their SCBA's and then they, too, stood ready to enter the building. The ladder truck and other firefighters continued to fight the blaze.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

It was dark and hot, and he was not really certain right away where he was. He knew he had lost consciousness for a time, but was not sure how long he had been out. As he tried to gain his bearings he remembered…

"JOHNNY!" Roy called out as loud as he could manage. "JOHNNY, WHERE ARE YOU?" After he quickly shed his breathing equipment, he frantically searched the area around him trying to find his Partner.

He saw debris everywhere, some lingering flames and realized he was in the stairwell. It all came back to him as he looked around. He had remembered seeing the whole ceiling caving in behind John and he grabbed his Partner by his turnout coat and hurled him into the safety of the stairwell. They tumbled down the flight of stairs between floors, and Roy found himself on the landing. "_Where the hell are you, Junior_." Roy thought as his hails remained unanswered. He pulled out his penlight and checked his watch; it was 17:00—they had been on the scene for only an hour. A bit relieved that he had not been unconscious long, he stamped out the fire that remained and continued searching for John. As he moved some debris, his light had shown down the next level. John lay in a heap on the next landing in front of the door of the sixth floor hall. Roy rushed to his friend's side.

"Johnny. Johnny, can you hear me, Pal?" Roy pleaded as he made a quick assessment of his friend's condition.

John lay in a rumpled heap; looking somewhat like he was in the fetal position. His helmet was askew and his face mask was completely torn from his breathing unit. Roy was afraid to move John since he had fallen down TWO flights of stairs and appeared now to be a mangled bag of bones. Roy continued to try to rouse John.

"Junior. Hey, Junior, can you hear me?" Roy continued.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

_John could feel hands on him, pulling him. He could not get free from his confines and felt totally helpless as the onslaught enveloped him. He felt the hands again…hands that made him feel safe. The feeling of helplessness eclipsed the safe feeling and he found it hard to breath. He reached out in desperation and fear to grasp anything that would keep him upright. He felt the water rushing in around him and he knew that he was going to drown…_

"_Dad." He called out in his desperation…and the two hands pulled him to safety._

TBC

A/N: *the character of Gil Robinson was not introduced until two episodes AFTER "Helpful". He appeared as a "Paramedic trainee" in the episode "School Days" (Ep. 2.14, orig. air date 1/13/73)


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Helpless – Pt. 9

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

The fire was nearly contained and the men awaited the "all clear" to enter the building and find their friends. Marco Lopez, Chet Kelly, Craig Brice, Bob Bellingham, Tom Kirk, and Gil Robinson were all ready for the order to begin their search. The men planned their task as they waited…51's would go up the North stairs and search each floor; 8's would take the East stairs and do the same; and, 10's crew would split up to join the other teams. There would be three men on each search crew.

Eternity seemed to pass, though it had really been about an hour, as the men stood ready to enter the building. Chet thought of his "pigeon" and hoped that he was still alive to endure the pranks Chet would plan. Marco said a prayer in Spanish and made the sign of the cross in front of him. Gil told Tom, "Gage and DeSoto are the best. They will get through this." He was trying to convince himself, not Tom. Brice and Bellingham looked at one another and bent their heads low, hoping the men were still alive.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

The smoke was dissipating and dust settling as Roy continued his examination of John and continued to try to rouse him. It was dark and Roy's small penlight offered little help to the overwhelming task before him. "Johnny, can you hear me? C'mon, Pal, wake up for me, will ya'?" Roy beseeched. He saw the blood seeping from the back of his Partner's head as he took a pulse. John's pulse was strong, but his respirations were weak and Roy knew he had to move John to see how much more damage had been done. As he ran his expert hands over his friend's back and neck, he thought he heard his Partner say something. He leaned down and put his ear close to John's face…a faint whisper of…"_Dad._" Came from his friends lips.

"Did you say something, Junior. Are you still with me?" Roy wasn't sure if he had actually heard what he thought he heard. He waited for a reply and received none. Though there were no apparent back or neck injuries, the wound to John's head looked severe and continued to bleed. Roy knew John had a similar head wound before* and his concern grew as did the pool of blood under his partner. Roy gently maneuvered his friend onto his back so he could finish his assessment and then make a plan on how to get them both to safety. Roy thought the fire was all but out, but there was still danger of further collapse and he did not want to endure that terror again.

Roy was amazed that John had escaped serious injury except for the gaping head wound which was bleeding freely. Roy thought there may be some cracked ribs, but gave all his attention to the head wound. Roy knew the symptoms-unequal pupils, blood in the ears, and the indentation of the wound—meant the skull fracture could kill his Partner. Roy freed himself and John from the burden of turnout coats. He used John's to cover the prone man and guard against shock. And, he fashioned a bandage from his own uniform shirt to abate the bleeding from his Partner's head. John's pupillary response had diminished in just the few moments since the last check and Roy's concern mounted.

Once he was certain John was as stable as he could get him, he began to search for the Handi-Talkie. Roy knew that John needed help quickly and he determined that he would not let John down again, like he had a few nights ago. He remembered how his Partner told him that he had nearly drowned in the storm drain after Roy got the kids out. "Not again, Partner. I promise, not again." Roy mumbled as he moved to find the radio.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

The men waiting outside took turns staring at the building that held their friends and then back at their captain. It was like a strange tennis match—their heads went back and forth as if following a ball being volleyed over a net. The waiting was excruciating. These men were trained to rescue people and, right now, they were impotent to rescue even their own brothers until they got the order to go.

The men exchanged glances and heavy sighs and repeated silent prayers and hopes that their friends would be alive when they reached them.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Six stories up, Roy was still searching for the radio with the 4 inch circumference of light that illuminated his small search area. He kept glancing back to John in hope that he would soon regain consciousness. Roy could see that the collapse had caused a lot of rubble to be pushed into the stairwell below them and above them. It was a miracle that they had the small pocket of safety they did. There was no way they would be able to exit without digging and Roy did not know how much debris there was between them and safety. When he moved John from in front of the door to the sixth floor, Roy became quickly aware that the upper floors of the building were now gone. "How the hell are we getting' out of here?" The older paramedic wondered aloud as he continued to search for the radio…

John's mind was elsewhere...

_He could feel cool water rushing in at him. He could smell the river waters as they rushed into the car and he immediately felt as though he were going to drown. He called out for his parents as he struggled to keep his head above water. When he thought for certain he was going to die, strong hands reached around him and he felt himself being pulled to safety. Once on the bank, he saw his father's face over him…"You're going to be fine, Son. You will be okay." He heard his dad say, and then…everything went black._

"Dad." John said aloud as he began to awake from his slumber. "Dad, where are you?"

Roy heard the words and rushed to his Partner's side. "Johnny, can you hear me? It's me, Roy."

The younger man's eyes opened and he tried to gain his bearings. "What happened?" John asked.

"The ceiling caved in and we got thrown down a flight or two of stairs. You are going to be okay…we just have to figure out how to get you outta here." Roy informed the confused man before him.

"Dad…Dad…" John continued to mumble. He felt hands on him. The hands were comforting and protecting. He was lost in the past due to the confusion and concussion. Roy's worry grew as John continued to call out for his father.

"It's me, Johnny. It's Roy. Can you hear me?" John felt dizzy and nauseous. He turned his head and the pain shot through his entire body. Roy reached out to him and held him while he lost his battle to contain his previous meal. Roy soothed John with his words of comfort and gentle hands rubbing his back. Once he was done, John continued…

"I thought I was gonna drown…you saved me, Dad…you saved me. Dad, where's Mom. Where is she Dad? Did you get her out, too?" John pleaded with the apparition from his flashback.

Roy was shocked. He had not known until just now that Johnny had been in the car when his parents died. Roy tried to rouse his friend from the horrible memories of the past. "Johnny, it's Roy…it's me, Pal?" Roy tried again.

John was lost as the memory rushed over him again. He felt all the feelings again as if the rescue that occurred when he was 12 years old was just happening to him. He felt the fear, the anger, the grief…it all washed over him as did the pain from the gash in his head. And, he finally gave in to it all and began to weep.

Roy eased his Partner's anguish and continued to rub his back and sooth him with comforting words, "It's okay, Junior. Everything is gonna be okay. I promise." Roy was more certain than ever that John Gage was now a part of his family. He did not feel pity for the man before him, only a great sense of understanding of why John Gage felt things so deeply. It seemed that his father's final act on this earth was to save his only child from certain drowning.

Roy tried to use his training and understanding of his Friend to provide some consolation. "It's okay, Son. Everything is going to be okay. Your dad loves you, John. Your dad loves you." Roy assured his Partner who was now allowing silent tears to fall down his soot and dust covered face.

The men huddled together in that debris-filled stairwell as John Gage once again mourned the loss of his parents, and realized the hero his father truly was.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Captain Hank Stanley finally received word from the Battalion Chief to begin the search for the missing men. They had been trapped already for nearly three hours when he gave a nod to the six men waiting to begin the search for Roy and John. In moments, the men were rushing into the building in search of their friends.

TBC

*from my story "Without Reservation"


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Helpless – Pt. 10

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Roy looked below them and noticed the cave-in had caused the floors below them to implode into the stairwell. The route down was blocked to the floors below and there was no going up either. Roy could only hope that someone would be able to get through all the debris and find them-SOON.

John had lost consciousness again and Roy took the opportunity to search for the Handi-talkie. Roy knew that their key to survival now would be getting in contact with those who would be searching for them…his crewmates and friends. He wondered for a moment if anyone else had been in the building when the roof collapsed. He chased the thought from his mind as he continued digging for their lifeline to rescue.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Marco was the first on his team to encounter the debris blocking their way to the higher levels at the third floor. The debris appeared to be unstable, so he did not begin digging right away. "HT-51 to Engine 51." Marco called into the radio.

"Engine 51 here. Go ahead, Marco." Cap replied. He tried to hide his worry, but those closest to him could tell the concern in his voice.

"Cap, we are in the North stairwell and there is debris blocking our assent at level 3. We cannot move on from here. We will continue to search the floors, but they could be in the stairwell above this level." Marco suggested. "Any update from the other crew?"

"Hold on, Pal." Cap said. "Engine 51 to HT 8, do you read?" Cap listened as the radio squawked with static before he heard a reply.

"HT 8. Engine 51, we heard the previous transmission and we have the same issue here. Access to the upper floors, past level four is blocked. So far, we have not found Gage or DeSoto on any of the floors that are passable…and, that ended here at level 3 as the floors above are all…well…gone." Brice stated the obvious.

Cap sighed as he considered his Paramedic team. Roy and John had shown themselves to be professional, capable, and smart. He knew that, if there was any chance for them, they would make it out of this alive. He looked up at the building before him, and said in a low voice, "You won't take my men. Not today." Mike turned toward his captain as he heard the low utterance and smiled.

"Engine 51 to HT 51, the other search party has found nothing. Continue to search. The chief has requested the plans to this building and we can find out more about where our guys might be. We will send more men to help start digging through the debris. If they made it into the stairwell on one of the upper floors, they could still be…" He choked on his words a moment, "They could still be alive. Either way, we will continue to search until we find them."

The men resigned themselves to the arduous task before them and said a prayer that they would find their comrades—alive, if they had any choice in the matter.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Roy thought he could hear scattered voices, but he kept thinking it was John's incoherent ramblings due to his head injury. As he dug in search of the HT, he thought through and began planning how he would get himself and John out of this would-be tomb. He was not confident that a plan was forthcoming and began to lose some hope of their being rescued. Just then, he felt the familiar leather case which encompassed the HT and pulled it from the rubble. He shook it, blew the dust from the front and adjusted the settings. He could see that it was pretty badly banged up, but, soon it came to life with static and garbled orders from LA and the Battalion Chief. Roy waited, impatiently, for the channel to clear.

"HT 51, to Engine 51, do you read?" Roy called into the radio.

Cap and Mike looked at one another. Had they heard what they thought they heard? Both men shook their heads as the garbled transmission faded. "What was that, Mike?" Cap asked.

Mike shrugged his shoulders as he hoped he was right when he answered, "Sounded like Roy, Cap. But, it was so distorted, I couldn't tell for sure."

"HT 8, HT 51, this is Engine 51…did you receive that last transmission?" Cap inquired.

"HT 8 to Engine 51, negative. What transmission?" Brice wondered.

"Uh, Cap, this is Marco…I think I heard something, too. Can we keep the radio quiet for a few minutes to see if it was Roy?" Marco followed up.

Cap was encouraged when it sounded as though Marco heard a transmission from Roy as well. "10-4 Marco. All units responding with Engine 51, commence 3 minutes of radio silence beginning…now." Cap was hopeful.

Roy could only hear static with a few words here and there. He was certain he had heard Marco's voice and thought that he had heard Cap as well. He tried again, "HT 51 to Engine 51. Cap, if you can hear me, Johnny and I are in the North stairwell on the 6th floor. We are trapped and there is no exit without digging through debris. I have a Code I here; Johnny has a depressed skull fracture and is unconscious. Please update on rescue efforts. HT 51, out." Roy was breathing heavily and hoped his words were heard.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Bits and pieces of what Roy was transmitting were heard…"HT … 51. Cap… Johnny and I are…North stair … on the 6th …trapped … no exit …Code I … skull fracture…unconscious…rescue efforts…" With the garbled message from Roy, they knew where the trapped men were and that John was injured. Time was not on their side, but they determined they would save their friends.

"Roy, Pal. Hang on. We're gonna get you out." Cap replied, hoping the man could understand him. When Cap turned, the Chief was there with the building superintendent. They had the building plans and would be able to help devise a rescue plan. Cap's demeanor brightened as he now had something he did not have just moments ago…hope that his men would make it out of this alive.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Brice and his team made their way to the North stairs to help with the rescue and digging. This would be long, arduous work, but they were all willing to do whatever needed to be done to save their brothers. The Chief informed them of the intricacies of the building, but the superintendent was certain that danger of further collapse into the stairwell was minimal, at best. The floors that had already given way had done their damage. What was left now was to dig through 1000's of pounds of debris to free the two trapped firemen, one of which had a serious head injury…

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

Title: Helpless – Pt. 11

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Roy did not hear his captain's reassurance of rescue. He was not certain his message was even received. He decided that he would continue to transmit every 15 minutes to repeat their location and update John's condition…so, in case someone could hear them, they would be ready to treat once they found the two men.

Roy leaned back down to John and took his pulse. The younger paramedic looked pale and was still bleeding from the head wound. Roy sighed in frustration. "Who's helpless now, Junior." He said as he realized that he could not do anything to help his injured partner. "I have all this training, but without the equipment and meds, Johnny, I…I…Dammit, I can't do anything to help you." Roy felt the burden of his Partner's life rest onto his broad shoulders and took another deep breath.

As he looked at his Partner, he wondered how a loving God could allow John Gage to survive a car accident that took the lives of his parents, only to allow him to die in this stairwell. "God, if you are really there, please help my Friend." Roy pleaded with the Deity.

John Gage was still lost in his past…

"_You will be okay, Kid." He heard the man who was driving say. He had been by the rushing waters of the river, rain pelting his face, and struggling to breath—and, now, he was in a warm car being taken away from the only family he ever knew. He felt cold, tired, scared, and…more than all of that…he felt desperately alone._

"_What happened, Kid?" The man asked. John noticed the badge and uniform. He had been wary of law enforcement since he was young. It seemed as though things were better since they moved to Oklahoma, but white people—especially those in authority—did not have much respect for Indians._

"_My name's John." The young boy said quietly. "John Gage." The older man just stared at the boy and processed the new information._

"_Oh, okay. John. Can you tell me what happened?" The man pressured._

_John was again leery of the man's intentions. "Where are we going?" The 12 year old asked._

"_Uh, we are going to the Sheriff office…Hey, kid…uh, John. Tell me what happened." The man was running out of patience and it was apparent._

_John took a deep breath and it hurt. His head hurt, his lungs hurt, and his heart ached. "Are my parent's dead?" He finally asked._

"_**This kid is somethin' else**__." The Deputy Sheriff thought. "__**He won't answer my questions, but expects me to answer his**__." The Deputy sighed loudly and there was no need to verbalize. John knew the answer already._

"_What's gonna happen to me?" John asked._

"_Well, we will get you checked out and then try to find some family to take you in. Do you have any family around here?" The man hesitantly asked the boy._

_John just shook his head and that was the last he spoke to anyone that night…_

"Dad. Dad. Please don't leave me." John cried out. Roy heard his Partner's calls and felt helpless to do anything but put his hand on John's shoulder and offered…

"It's okay, Johnny. It's gonna be okay." Roy hoped he wasn't lying.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Brackett waited with Dixie by the Base Station for more news on what was happening. The last update was that the men were alive, but that one—probably John Gage—had a head injury. No one knew how bad the injury was or if the man was still alive now. But, all hoped and prayed that the search and rescue team would reach the men in time to save their friend.

Dr.'s Early and Morton had stepped away to handle other cases that came in to the ER. Brackett kept a vigil and this caused Dixie to beg the question.

"Kel, what's got you so bothered? I mean, besides Roy and Johnny being trapped." Dixie finally asked.

Brackett shook his head, and furrowed his brow…"Doctor, patient privilege, Dix. But, let's just say that John Gage and I have reached an understanding that has caused me to have a lot more respect and admiration for him."

"It's about time, Kel!" Dix chided. "Those men put their lives on the line every time they are on duty—that alone should cause you to have a great deal of respect for them." Brackett nodded his understanding at her point.

"Yeah, I know, Dix. And, I do respect them for that…but, this is different. Johnny has had a lot to deal with in his young life, and the way he has dealt with it is admirable…that's all I mean." Seeing Dixie's eyes twinkle, he knew she was probing for more information. "And…that is all I have to share on the subject of John Gage. At least until we find out more about his condition."

Dixie pressed…"Kel, that water rescue the other night…with those boys. Was Johnny okay? I mean…he seemed…kinda lost afterward."

Kel smiled at the woman before him. He loved her heart and loved that she had given it to him. He shook his head from side to side as he considered the question and the comment…"Dix, this is all I'm gonna say and then you can consider the subject dropped." He looked her in the eye to gauge her understanding. When he was sure she did understand, he continued. "Johnny did experience 'something' during that rescue…and, he and I are trying to sort through it now."

Dixie could charm anything from Dr. Kelly Brackett and she knew it. She smiled and nodded. She knew that, for now, she would have to settle for what he said. She worried about John Gage…he was like a little brother to her and she hoped that he would be okay…that BOTH he and Roy would be okay.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

John's eyes opened and he searched for the familiar. He could not figure out where he was. He had just remembered almost drowning, his father rescuing him, and then driving with the Deputy Sheriff to the station. He tried to move but everything hurt. He pulled his hand up to his head only to have it stopped by an unseen force.

"Don't move, Junior." Roy admonished. "You took quite a tumble down those stairs and that head wound is pretty bad." Roy hoped John understood his words and was not still stuck in memories of the past.

John looked at his Partner, but did not immediately recognize him. Then John remembered…"My mom drowned, Roy. And, I would have, too, but Dad pulled me out. He died saving me. Just like you saved me tonight…" The younger man's eyes closed again as the emotional and physical pain took hold of him once again and then…he stopped breathing…

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Title: Helpless – Pt. 12

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Marco, Chet and the others continued digging 'upward' which was an arduous task. The debris was hauled away by other firemen, construction workers, and others who had been called in to help dig out the missing men. Chet took a moment to wipe sweat from his brow and asked, "Has there been any other transmission from Roy?"

Marco shook his head. "Not that I have heard, but we have been digging. Let me check with Cap." Marco raised the radio to his parched lips. "Engine 51, this is HT 51. Have you heard anymore transmissions from Roy?" His head hung low as he awaited an answer.

Cap replied, "Negative, Marco. Nothing for the last hour. How are you doing with the digging?" Cap had been with the Chief and others 'on the ground' and had not been into the fray as yet. He was worried about his men—those who were yet missing and those digging.

"I guess it's going as well as can be expected. Just wish we could know if they are still okay." Marco confessed. "HT 51, out." He said as he replaced the radio at his hip and continued digging.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

"JOHNNY!" Roy yelled. "JOHNNY, can you hear me?" Roy put his head down by John's face and placed his hand on the man's chest. John had stopped breathing. "Dammit, Junior. You are gonna make me work for this, aren't you?" Roy stammered as he began rescue breathing on his Friend.

"Don't leave me, Johnny." Roy yelled to his partner between life-saving breaths. "Don't you dare leave me now." He called to his Partner. After a few moments, Johnny began to breathe spontaneously and Roy shuddered with relief and fear. "Thank you, God." Roy breathed out as he rested his head on John's shoulder and whispered, "Hang in there, Johnny. Please, hang in there." Silent tears fell down Roy's cheek and landed on John's turnout coat that was already covered in blood. He continued talking to his unconscious Partner, hoping and praying he would respond.

When a few moments passed, Roy realized that he MUST do something to ensure that he and John BOTH got out of this alive…

Roy began to dig, but only got down a couple steps and then realized there was nowhere to put the displaced debris. "_Where am I gonna put this now_?" He thought as he would get a large piece free. He and John were in a confined space with little "extra" accommodation. He also decided that he should save the light pen so he could continue to monitor John's pupillary response and provide updates if things changed. He decided it would be best to continue to try his radio hails and monitor his Partner. He was very worried about John as he had not heard a peep from him in over 40 minutes and he had stopped breathing once already. Roy feared that the head wound was causing intracranial bleeding that would soon cause all of John's bodily functions to cease... Roy called out in despair…

"HT 51 to Engine 51. Cap, this is Roy. I don't know if you can hear me, but here is our sit-rep." Roy referred to an old military term he had used in Vietnam…sit-rep was short for situation report and was given to update others of current conditions. "I haven't been able to hear anyone digging yet. I tried to make some headway from this end, but it is slow-going. Johnny is unconscious and, though the bleeding has stopped, his pupils are unequal and sluggish, he has fluid present in his ears and nose, and he has stopped breathing once. I was able to get 'im back. He has experienced some disorientation when he is conscious. I am monitoring vitals and doing the best I can until help arrives." The overwhelming feeling of helplessness washed over him again as he dropped the radio into his lap. He stared down at his unconscious Partner and poured out his emotions.

"Johnny. Sometimes you can be the most exasperating person on this earth. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to put a muzzle on you to shut your mouth during one of your rants, or when you think you can solve my problems by calling JoAnne…" Roy thought back to just a few days ago when John had called JoAnne and caused real problems for Roy. But, JoAnne had forgiven Roy and understood why he shared with John about their argument.

"JoAnne was upset that I had talked to you. But, when she realized that she had told her sister about our argument…she understood why I told my 'brother.'" Roy continued, not expecting a response. "That's what we are Johnny. You know, we are brothers, right? You really piss me off sometimes, but I wouldn't want to try to get along without you. I know you had it hard growing up without your parents…without a real family…and, I know there is still a lot I don't know about your past and what you have been through…but, you are a part of our family, Johnny. You are a very important part of our family. I know you can get through this…you are strong! C'mon, Johnny. Wake up for me, will ya', Pal? Wake up." Roy pleaded.

Roy could see John's eyes darting back and forth under his eyelids…it appeared as though the injured man was dreaming…but, he was really remembering…

"_John, I need to know what happened tonight." The Deputy Sheriff asked the only survivor of the car accident again. The boy looked up from the chair, still in his wet clothes, as a nurse checked his temperature, pulse and blood pressure._

"_He's cold and wet, Robbie. He should be in a hospital." The woman remarked, clearly worried about the boy._

_The Deputy leaned over to acknowledge he had heard her, but shook his head. "You know they won't treat 'im. Can't ya see…he's a half breed Wilma. We will just wait until the social worker comes. She will take him to the nuns at the orphanage. He'll hafta stay there until we can find a family member." Then, directing his attention back to the boy. "You got any family, John?"_

_John Gage stared into space. He knew that his parents were dead, that HE should be dead, and that no one really cared what happened anyway. He kept his mouth shut as he learned to do over the years in dealing with outsiders—especially the anthropologists who came to "study" the Seminole Tribe every summer. As a half breed, John was a great "specimen" for them to poke and prod. The "anthros", as he had come to call them, asked stupid questions and tried to get information from John. His parents told him that he did not have to answer any questions he did not feel comfortable with. Well, John took that to heart and he carried that advice into the worst night of his life…he would not answer any more questions._

"_I think he is in shock. What a horrible thing to happen." The woman sympathized with the boy before her. "He can't just be sent off to some orphanage. There has to be someone who can take him in."_

"_What, are you gonna take 'im?. What do you think Jack would say about that?" The Deputy referred to her husband who had a terrible hatred of Indians. He had claimed that the Tribal Council on the Trustlands had caused his father's death by creating a policy that ONLY Indian-owned businesses and companies would be allowed to build and trade on the Trustlands. Dennis Webster, Jack's father, had a hardware business that folded three months after the policy was ratified. Indians and their contractors no longer purchased from his store and he lost everything. A year later, Jack Webster found his father—Dennis Webster had hanged himself in his barn._

"_Jack blames the Tribal Council for his dad…not this little boy...who could hold a grudge against this sweet little boy." Wilma asked._

"_Your husband holds that grudge against EVERY Indian, Wilma. Doesn't matter adult, child, full blood or not…he's not gonna allow you to bring home some stray, half breed kid." The Deputy was harsh, but honest, in his assessment._

_He looked down at John Gage while he dialed yet another number as he tried to find a family member to come pick up the child. The boy was gone, somehow. The Deputy Sheriff thought aloud, "__**There is no hope for this kid. He's gonna end up just like his parents one day.**__" The young John Gage nodded his head slowly, hoping for death to find him quickly so he could be with his parents once again._

_TBC_


	13. Chapter 13

Title: Helpless – Pt. 13

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

The men started yelling as they dug; hoping that Roy or John would hear them and respond. It had been three hours since they started digging and they were just past the fourth floor landing. "Two stories to go. When we heard Roy, he said they were on the 6th floor." Chet commented as they continued their task. Marco and Chet were tired, but unwilling to stop their efforts.

"Roy, John…" They would call and then wait for a response.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Roy had closed his eyes as he leaned into John's shoulder. He startled back to attention when he thought he heard John stir. "Johnny. Johnny, can you hear me?" Roy implored. He hung his head when there was no response. But, he continued to hear noises…a distant, muted sound.

Roy moved toward the debris pile and listened closely. He thought he heard digging sounds, but realized it could also be the settling of the sheetrock and other rubble before him. He continued to strain his ear to hear. He tried the radio again, "HT 51 to Engine 51. Do you read me?" Roy called.

Two stories down, the radio squawked to life…"51…read me…" Marco and Chet glared, wide-eyed at one another as they heard the familiar voice.

"Roy, it's Marco. Can you hear me?" Marco attempted to raise the man.

Roy heard garbled static which included his name…"Roy…hear me?" He sighed deeply as he felt this meant that help was close.

He tried again…"This is Firefighter/Paramedic Roy DeSoto. I am trapped with my Partner, John Gage. We are on the 6th floor landing of the North stairwell. Johnny has a depressed skull fracture and has already been in respiratory arrest once. Anyone, if you can hear me, please respond and let me know how close we are to being rescued." His head hung down once again and all the desperation and helplessness washed over him.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Marco heard the majority of what Roy transmitted, while Cap once again got only a garbled message, "…fighter/Paramedic Roy DeSoto…Partner, John Gage…on the 6th fl…North…well…pressed skull fract…respiratory arrest once…please respond…rescued." Cap knew his men well and he could hear the utter fear and desperation in Roy's dispatch. He knew that they must reach the men soon.

"Marco, did you hear that last transmission?" Cap called into the radio.

"Yeah, Cap, we heard it. He said Johnny stopped breathing…we've got to get to them, Cap…and, soon." Marco put words to Cap's thoughts from a moment ago.

"How close are you, Pal?" Cap questioned his lineman…putting all radio protocol to the side for now.

"We are nearly to the fifth floor landing…we should be there soon, Cap. More men just showed up to carry off the rubble and to help dig. I am hoping we will break through within the hour." Marco's update sounded positive. Cap glanced over to his Engineer who had helped with the digging for about an hour before he was called back to the Engine. Cap was preparing a press release for the evening news with the Chief and Mike had to come take charge of the scene.

"Cap, has someone gone to talk with JoAnne?" Mike questioned.

Cap nodded his head affirmatively. "Yeah, Pal. The Chief sent an aide to go tell her what was going on and sit with her until there is news. I am surprised she is not down here now." Just then another ambulance pulled up and two people stepped out that Cap immediately recognized.

Cap walked over to the man and woman, "Dr. Brackett, Nurse McCall, what are you two doing here?"

Brackett responded, "Hank, if that head injury is as bad as I think it might be, Johnny will need immediate medical attention once they are freed. Dix and I volunteered to come out here so we could be here for John and Roy when they get out." Captain Stanley again blushed with pride at the concern shown on behalf of his men—his Paramedics. But, the moment was short-lived.

"Dammit." Cap heard as he swirled around to face Mike Stoker again. "Cap, it's Chet. There's been another cave-in…the debris above them fell down on top of their current position…Marco was hurt and so was Bellingham." Cap rolled his eyes and looked up to the sky.

"_Anything else you wanna give us, God_?" Cap thought to himself. "How badly are they hurt?" Cap said aloud.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Roy saw the debris before him give way. He noticed it move slightly at first and then, in a quick rush, much of it dispersed. He could see light from below. Having only had the illumination of his penlight and then Johnny's for quite a long time now, it took him a moment to adjust to the bright artificial light glowing from below. He heard men yell and bark orders to each other. One voice was very familiar.

"Brice, get Bellingham outta here. Gil, get over here and take care of Marco, will ya?" Chet commanded as though he were channeling his Captain.

Roy ventured, "Chet…it's Roy…you found us, Pal. I can see you guys." Chet looked up through the hole that had formed in the wall of rubble before them and smiled. Soot, dust and grime covered his face and his teeth shown bright. It was a wonderful sight for Roy's eyes.

"Roy, hey…" Chet called. "Cap, we found 'em…Marco and Bellingham will be alright…we are bringing them down now. Some of the rubble fell onto them…I can see Roy, Cap…I can see 'im." Chet was smiling as he spoke and his glee was hard to contain. Then, he remembered…

"Roy, how'r you and Johnny doing?" Chet called up to his Friend.

Roy sighed and glanced over toward John, who had not moved or regained consciousness for nearly two hours now. "He's pretty bad, Chet. We've gotta get him outta here, and fast."

"Gotcha. Roy, we've got all the gear here. Tell me what you need and I will pass it up to you. These guys can work on getting the rest of this shit outta here so we can get you guys down." Chet rarely cursed, but it seemed appropriate.

Roy smiled at his Friend's indiscretion and thought that his Captain might have the same words if he were present.

"I need a C-collar, backboard, and some 4 by 4's. Get on the horn to Rampart, we need to establish an IV as soon as possible." Roy called.

"No need for Rampart. Doctor Brackett and Nurse Dixie are downstairs. You can talk to him on here…"Chet said as he passed the HT to the tired Paramedic.

"HT 51 to Engine 51." Roy called into the functioning radio. A resounding cheer went up six stories down as everyone heard Roy's hail.

"Engine 51 here. Go ahead HT 51." Cap smiled as he responded.

"Uh, Cap…Johnny's really bad…I need to talk to Brackett. Chet said he's down there." Roy's concern was evident to all who were listening. Captain Stanley handed the microphone to Brackett and stood beside the doctor. He glanced at his watch and saw the time read 00:13. His men had been trapped for nearly nine hours and at least one was seriously injured.

"Brackett here, go ahead, Roy." Brackett responded and awaited the update on John's condition.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

Title: Helpless – Pt. 14

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Roy followed Brackett's orders as he established two IV's, put some sterile covers over John's head wound, and placed the c-collar and backboard. John's rescue was overseen by three Engine company Captains, the Battalion Chief, no less than sixteen firefighters, four paramedics, an ER nurse, and the Head of Rampart Emergency. It was like some strange parade as the injured paramedic was transported on a backboard and stokes to the awaiting ambulance.

Brackett immediately checked John's pupillary response and found that his left pupil was blown and there seemed to be no response to pain stimuli. He deduced that pressure had built in the young man's skull and it needed to be relieved as soon as possible. "Dix, get me a large bore needle, stat." Everyone turned to see what the urgency was as they watched the seasoned doctor treat their friend and comrade. Looking at Roy, who was now visibly panicked, Brackett said, "We need to relieve that pressure or he's not gonna make it to the hospital, Roy."

Roy went visibly white. He was clearly shaken. Many around picked up on his concern for his Partner. Mike and Cap sidled up to him and offered what strength they had left to the tired and weary man.

"Roy, how are you doin'?" Dixie asked the man as Brackett finished the procedure that drained the buildup of blood on John's brain and announced he was stable, for now. Roy watched as they put John onto the gurney and began to strap him in. She thought he looked awful tired, but could not tell if he was injured.

Roy glanced down at himself and looked at the worried face staring back at him. "If Johnny's okay, then I will be okay, Dix." Roy answered. The juxtaposition of John's pain and his own was something that began at the start of their friendship and would remain for the duration.

Roy glanced over to see Marco and Bob Bellingham loaded into another ambulance. His eyes also caught those of his Captain and Engineer. The three men exchanged glances for a moment and then Roy's attention returned to his Partner as John was loaded into the ambulance.

"Roy, you ride back here with me." Brackett said, knowing there would be no other arrangements allowable. "Dix, you ride in the front, with Ted." Roy nodded his understanding and rubbed his tired eyes as he climbed into the ambulance.

"_You've gotta make it, Junior. You just have to be okay_." Roy thought while the ambulance sped its way toward Rampart.

_E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!_

The next few hours were a blur to Roy. John was rushed immediately to surgery. Marco's x-rays showed only a dislocated shoulder that was set by Dr. Morton. He would be given some pain medication and allowed to go home. Bellingham had some cuts and bruises, but he would be released to go home as well. The tired firemen of Station 51 all stood in the doctor's lounge of Rampart Emergency waiting for news on John Gage. Though many miracles existed that night—Roy and John had clearly been spared the fallout of the building collapse in a safe pocket of the stairwell, Marco and Bellingham had not been severely injured when the rubble gave way, and Roy had not been injured at all…the tension was palpable.

"Roy, can I get you some more coffee?" Chet offered. As if in a trance, Roy turned to his friend and shook his head. He was tired, he was sore, and his heart was breaking. He felt helpless, afraid and alone. Just then, he heard a familiar voice and felt a comforting embrace.

"ROY! Oh, my goodness. I got here as soon as I could. That stupid aide didn't know what he was doing. He wanted me to sit quietly at home while my husband and his best friend were trapped in a collapsed building. Really…" Her exasperation showing…"They MUST be kidding themselves."

A smile broke across Roy's face as he melted into his wife's embrace. He loved this woman and, if anyone could make him smile right now, it would be her. "How are the kids, Honey?" Roy stuck with a safe topic.

She did not let go of him as she answered. "They are okay. I left them at the Blake's…my sister will pick them up and keep them overnight. I didn't tell them about Johnny…" She trailed off as she continued her embrace. Roy adjusted her to his side, never breaking her hold on him. "How is he doing?" She asked Roy and the throng of others in the room.

The silence spoke volumes. Tired eyes diverted, dusty heads shook, and bruised, calloused hands wrung themselves over and over again. She cried into Roy's side.

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Mike returned from taking Marco home. Cap had ordered Marco to go home and get some sleep. The man muttered something in Spanish as he finally relented. The men of Station 51 smiled softly as Mike had put his arm around Marco's shoulder and led him out to the waiting Engine. Station 51 had been stood down until B-shift arrived in the morning. The Squad had been returned during an earlier trip, and then, Mike returned the Engine and then took Marco home in his own vehicle.

Cap pondered the day. It had begun with his junior Paramedic, John Gage, falling down the hose tower and injuring his knee. And, now, as the shift was nearly ending…that same paramedic was going through life saving surgery on his skull. "Leave it to Johnny." Cap muttered aloud, not meaning to.

"What, Cap?" Chet asked.

"Oh, I nothin'…just thinking out loud. I was just going over the day in my mind, is all." Cap answered morosely.

The men around him had been doing the same thing. Every time a member of their crew was injured, the others would think of what they last said to that man…how was he treated…was there anything left 'unsaid?' It was the nature of their jobs…at any moment, one of them could be gone.

Roy was sitting on the leather sofa and JoAnne was lying down with her head in his lap. None of them were able to rest well, and they knew that they would not sleep until they knew John was alright. Roy shifted a bit and that caused JoAnne to sit up. "'M sorry, Sweetie. I didn't mean to wake you up." Roy apologized. He pulled her close to him as if it were a reflex.

"I wasn't asleep…How long has it been?" JoAnne asked what the others knew for certain.

"Almost five hours." Mike retorted. "What the hell are they doing, I wonder?" He continued.

Roy did not even attempt to offer an explanation. He guessed that John's head injury was pretty serious considering Brackett's "field surgery" and John's condition the last time he saw his Partner. It would take some time to repair the damage done to John when that ceiling came down. Roy shook his head as he considered how John had thought Roy saved HIS life, when it seemed now it was the other way around. The building collapse did not cause major injury to Roy because John had taken the brunt of the force. "_That must be why he was thrown down the stairs further than I was_." Roy thought as he held tightly to his wife. One more second and both men would have been at the bottom of the rubble that used to be a nine-story building.

Roy decided to try to placate Mike and the other men. "Guys, they know we are waiting. They will come tell us what's going on when they can." It was no relief to anyone…especially the man who uttered it.

Just when they thought they could stand no more waiting, the door opened to reveal two doctors dressed in sweaty scrubs dotted with blood, rubbing their tired eyes. The look on their face told the men, and JoAnne, that they were not the bearers of good news.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

Title: Helpless – Pt. 15

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Everyone shifted their attention to Dr.'s Brackett and Early. Cap handed his cup of coffee to Dr. Early as Mike went to get one for Dr. Brackett. The other men in the room stood up so the doctors could sit. Both men shook their heads and hands. "We can't stay long." Brackett began. "We just wanted to give you an update. Joe…" Brackett deferred to the older doctor.

Early panned the room with his eyes. He knew that these people cared very deeply for John Gage, as did nearly everyone in the operating room. He chose his words carefully, to ensure understanding for those not qualified in the medical field.

"John's alive." He began. A collective sigh came from the group before him. He continued. "He had a pretty bad fracture at the base of his skull. We call it a basal or basilar skull fracture. The impact of the collapse caused Johnny's skull to press into his brain…this also caused a leakage of spinal fluid and blood into the area surrounding the brain. Kel had already relieved some of the pressure by draining some blood at the scene." The doctor took a breath and continued. "We had to be very careful as Johnny received a similar injury about a year ago when that car was crushed by the bridge.* We inserted a shunt to divert any more blood or spinal fluid leakage, and we reset the bone in his skull…the depression was not deep, and we were able to smooth it out again. Thankfully, there was no bone fragmenting into the dura matter and the surgery, though very long, was successful." He paused to take a sip of coffee and his audience waited silently.

Brackett continued. "John's not out of the woods yet. There is still a danger of infection and abscess. The shunt and antibiotics should help guard against that. However…" Brackett waited to see that he had everyone's attention, and then continued. "…right now, Johnny's in a coma."

Roy's eyes fell. JoAnne started to cry. Cap shifted on his feet. Mike and Chet sank back into the chairs they had vacated only moments ago. "Doc, how bad is it?" Cap finally put words to their worry.

Dr. Early responded. "We don't really know, Hank. There is a new scale we are using in neurology for people in with head injuries. It is called the Glascow scale. We measure a patient's eye, motor, and verbal response and are able to determine a score to rate the severity of the head trauma." He stopped to allow the information to sink in. "The higher the score, the less severe the brain injury."

"What's Johnny's score, Doc." Roy asked ardently.

Brackett's eyes diverted as Dr. Early responded. "Well, Roy...we have to wait for a while to see, but we are thinking he may be as low as a 5 or 6. And, that would mean that the injury is severe." He wasn't making any friends in this room with his honesty and added, "But, we won't know for another hour or two. We have to allow the sedation to wear off and then we can assess him again."

"But, when he came in, Doc…" Roy steered his comments to Brackett. "…what was the score then?"

"It was low, Roy. Probably a 5 or 6 like Joe said." Brackett replied. "He did open his eyes once in the ambulance when I did a sternal rub. He also had some motor response to that same stimuli. But, as you know, he did not respond verbally to any of my questions. But, like Joe said, we will monitor him closely over the next few hours in ICU and we hope he will show signs of improvement as the sedation wears off."

"Can we see 'im." Chet asked eagerly.

"NO." Both doctors responded in unison. Brackett explained. "He's been through a lot today. Trapped in a building for nearly ten hours, major surgery…he needs time to recover from the trauma. And, by the way you all look, you could use some rest yourselves. Go home…get a shower, something to eat, and some sleep. Joe or I will call you later today with an update and let you know when he can receive visitors." The men, especially Roy, began to implore the doctors to allow them to see their friend.

"Please, Doc. Just for a minute…" Roy begged. "I told him I wouldn't let 'im down again, and I need to keep my promise."

Those around him looked confused. Roy explained…

"The other night…in the storm drain. Johnny said that he slipped and almost drowned after I got out with the kids. I told him tonight that I would never leave him behind again. I can't let him down, Doc." Roy was shaking and JoAnne held him as he struggled with his guilt and pain.

"Roy, you didn't leave him behind tonight, Pal. He's here in the hospital and there are people here to watch him and care for him. You are NOT leaving him behind. Do you hear me?" Cap admonished.

"He's right, Honey. There is nothing else you can do tonight. You need to get some rest or you are gonna be in a bed right next to him…" She tilted her head as she smiled at her thought. "And, don't think I don't know that is right where you want to be right now…even if it means you are sick, too."

Roy had a slight smile for his wife. She knew him well…too, well, it seemed. "Okay, okay. But, you will call with updates, right?" Roy assented.

Both doctors said they would and shook hands and patted backs as the men left the lounge. Roy and JoAnne lingered a moment longer. "Doc." Roy looked at Brackett. "Thanks for comin' tonight…uh…er…last night. It probably made the difference between getting 'im here in an ambulance, or a...or a…hearse."

"He's alive, Roy. That is all that matters right now. Go home, get some rest. We'll talk later." Brackett allowed his smile to reach his very tired eyes.

Finally alone in the doctor's lounge, Kel and Joe looked at one another. "It's a miracle he's alive, Kel. A miracle."

"This has been a night of miracles, Joe. Now, let's pray for another one, huh?" Kel said as they left the room empty.

TBC

*from my story "Without Reservation".


	16. Chapter 16

Title: Helpless – Pt. 16

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Later that same day, Dr.'s Early, Brackett and Morton all reported to the same SICU bed to check on John Gage. It had been several hours since the surgery that likely saved his life. Now, they needed to determine what kind of a life that was going to be. The man before them could bounce back from this injury with little to no lingering problems. Or, and this was why there were no smiles present, he could be in a vegetative state for the rest of his life. The nurses reported that there had been no spontaneous verbal or motor responses and his pupils were still sluggish in response to light.

"Kel, did you read these notes?" Early sighed to his Friend and colleague. Morton moved closer to read over the older doctor's shoulder.

"Yeah, Joe, I saw them. But, that doesn't mean that there won't be any improvement…just that there hasn't been any up to now." Brackett responded with a hopeful tone.

"Seems to me the fact that he is still breathing at all—whether intubated or not—is pretty much of an improvement…NO?" Morton offered with this usual sarcasm, hoping to lighten the somber mood.

"Yeah, you're right, Mike. It's a miracle he made it out of there at all…you should have seen that building…" Brackett trailed off and slightly shivered as he remembered the sight.

"I did." Morton said. "They had coverage of the collapse on the news last night and this morning. It didn't look very good at all. They said that four people were still missing and presumed dead."

"Well, if it all the same to you, I'd like to keep that number from rising…I am gonna do everything in my power to ensure Johnny makes it out of this." Brackett declared.

Joe Early shook his head. "Dr. Brackett, you know you should never allow your personal feelings to interfere with your care of a patient." He smiled. "Or, should I say OUR feelings." He added as he admitted he, too, cared about what happened to the young paramedic.

"Gentleman, shall we begin our assessment?" Brackett said as the three nodded their agreement.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

_John was still lost in the past…_

_John Gage almost got his wish to join his parents in death as he developed a severe case of pneumonia in the days after the wreck that took their lives and almost drowned him. The nuns at the orphanage did the best they could. A young novice, who had yet to take her vows, asked to watch over the boy. Since there were 60 other children needing the attention of the other nuns, the request was granted._

_Sister Mary Margaret, or Sister M's as John would later call her, devoted all of her time and attention to the young boy. She prayed for the Lord to heal him from the horrible sickness that ravaged his body. She was angry that there were few medical doctors who would treat Indians—even young children—in the area. So, she ministered to his every need. She wiped his brow; took his temperature; sang soft hymns; bathed him; fed him warm broth; and she continued to pray for him._

_She was quite worried as the already skinny boy was literally wasting away before her. Finally, over a week after the accident, John woke up. He was not sure where he was, but when he saw a woman dressed in white, he asked, "Is this heaven?"_

_Sister M's laughed, "No, boy, this is not heaven. You are in the St. Joseph Orphanage. My name is Sister Mary Margaret."_

_John attempted to move to get a better gaze at the vision before him, but he was weak as a kitten. As he fell back into the bed, feeling very helpless and alone, he remembered what had happened. "My Dad and Mom are dead." The boy cried._

_Sister M's walked to the bed and put her arms around the boy as he cried. "Yes, my dear one. They are gone. But, the Lord, in His infinite wisdom spared you. For that, we must be thankful." She cradled him and rocked him as he thought about what she said._

"_I would rather be dead." John said as he cried himself back to sleep. And, the young nun began praying again._

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

The Glascow score continued to be low. John Gage did not respond to pain or verbal stimuli. The three doctors held out hope only because there was some brain activity and there was some spontaneous eye movement. Brackett was not looking forward the calls he had to make to Roy DeSoto and Hank Stanley. He had hoped to offer the men better news about their Brother fireman. He was glad that those were the only two calls he would have to make. He knew that the Captain or Roy would ensure the other men were updated on their Friend's condition.

"Roy, it's Kel." Brackett felt a need to be familiar and informal. "We just came from Johnny's room." He reported.

"How is he doin', Doc." Roy pleaded, sounding hopeful. Brackett hated to disappoint the man, but had little choice in the matter.

"I'm afraid I don't have good news, Roy." Brackett began. "We removed the shunt. He is still intubated and has not responded to any verbal or pain stimuli. There is some slight spontaneous movement, but we were disappointed with the Glascow scores…they are still in the single digits. We would be more encouraged with a higher score, for sure. Roy, I am afraid he's still in a coma."

Roy's eyes filled with hot tears he refused to let flow. "Your giving up?" A statement more than a question.

"Absolutely NOT, Roy. John Gage is my priority—just like he was when he had that virus. Joe called in another neurologist, we are gonna check on him again soon, and we are doing everything we can. I promise you that." Brackett ended the sentence with all the emotion he had left in him.

"Yeah, Doc. 'M sorry…it's just that…well...I guess I'm just worried, is all." Roy acknowledged.

"We all are…that is John Gage's lot in life, Roy DeSoto. To cause others worry." The doctor smiled and it could be heard through the phone. "He and I both survived that virus a while back…that should prove to you that we are both pretty tough and hard-headed. He will make it, Roy. I promise." Brackett's lip furrowed as he instantly regretted the words.

"Thanks, Doc. When can we come see 'im?" Roy asked.

"Call me around dinner time…I will let you know if there is any change before that. Okay?"

"Sure. I will call later to check on him. Oh, and don't worry about calling Cap. He's here and we will call all the other guys." Roy offered. The doctor sighed. He was grateful he did not have to endure another call so soon.

"Okay. Talk to you later, then." Brackett ended the call a moment before there was a knock on his door. The man took a deep breath and blew out, "Enter."

A man dressed in a Sheriff uniform stepped through the door and took off his hat. With files under one arm, he extended the other to shake hands with Brackett. "Dr. Brackett, I'm Sheriff Rob Jones, Jr….from Oklahoma."

TBC


	17. Chapter 17

Title: Helpless – Pt. 17

By: FanofRandy

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Brackett accepted the hand offered and nodded his head toward the closest chair. "I expected a file, Sheriff. Not a personal visit…and so quickly." Brackett said as he tried to conceal his surprise.

"Well, some things required personal attention, Dr. Brackett. And, when I read this file and asked some questions, I felt my presence would be helpful." Rob Jones explained. "I found the file lacking, just as I told you it would be. But, my father's notes were another story." The man revealed. Brackett's brow furrowed and head tilted to the side, silently begging for more information.

"Well, it seems you were…well, uh, John Gage was right. There was another car involved. Roderick Gage, John's father, served on the Tribal Counsel in those days. Well, the Counsel came under a lot of scrutiny from the townsfolk when they declared that work done on the Indian Trustland, and all the materials and equipment used, could only be obtained from Indian-owned businesses…" The Sheriff trailed off when he thought he lost Brackett's interest.

Brackett leaned forward and asked, "What does THAT have to do with Johnny and his parents and the wreck?"

"Well…I was gettin' to that, Doctor. You see, the man who owned the merchantile in Wewoka, his name was Dennis Webster. He, uh, didn't do very well in his business after the Indians stopped trading in his store. He lost his business, and after a little while, he just gave up. He killed himself." The man took a breath and continued. "I could really use something to drink, Dr. Brackett. Is there any water or coffee around here?"

Brackett looked at his watch and apologized. "I'm sorry Sheriff, it is just around lunch time. What you say we continued this talk in the cafeteria and I will buy you lunch and a coffee?"

"Sound's good to me, Dr. Brackett. And, please, call me Rob." The Sheriff responded.

Brackett got up from his desk and motioned toward the door, "Sure, Rob…let's go to the cafeteria…and, there is someone I need call…I think he should join us in this talk."

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

The men of Station 51's A-shift had gathered at Roy's house. They sat in the back yard with drinks in their hands, not knowing what to say. Cap broke the silence.

"You guys made me proud last night." He shared with his men. Marco still had his arm in a splint and had opted for iced tea since he was still taking pain medications. The others all had beers in their hands. "John is alive right now because of you…that's something, doncha think?"

His men had frail smiles for him, but smiles none-the-less. They nodded wearily and drew close as they considered John and his condition. "What did Brackett say again, Roy?" Chet asked.

Roy smiled down at the Irishman and put a hand on his shoulder. "He said he would call if there was any change, but if he didn't call by dinner time, then I should call him. Johnny's in a coma, but he is hanging on." Roy reported, again.

"Man, Gage sure can get into it, huh? A few months ago, it was that stupid virus, and now this." Chet ranted.

The men all recalled how they almost lost John when he got deathly ill and fell from scaffolding during a rescue*. They all heard Marco as he whispered a prayer in Spanish and they were once again silent when, the phone rang.

"DeSoto residence." The men heard JoAnne say. "Roy, it's Dr. Brackett." She called out. The man practically ran to the phone. The others close on his heels.

"This is Roy." He shouted into the phone.

The men leaned in to try to hear what Brackett was saying, and asking for details, but Roy put his hand up to stop them.

"Yeah…uh, huh…sure…okay. I will be there in 15 minutes. G'bye." Roy hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment.

Cap took the lead, "Roy, pal, is everything okay?" He thought of how dumb the question was only after he had asked it.

"Uh, yeah...Cap." Roy stammered. "Johnny's the same, but there is a Sheriff here from Oklahoma. He has some information on the accident that killed Johnny's parents and Brackett wants me there as Johnny's next-of-kin. He wants me to come right over."

JoAnne handed Roy his windbreaker that graced the back of one of the kitchen chairs. "Call when you know something, Honey." She hugged him tight and he hugged back.

Cap and the guys followed Roy to his car. "Cap, if you guys want to stay here, it's okay. I will call with an update as soon as I can." Cap shook his head.

"Roy, we will all go to my house and wait for your call. C'mon guys." He said as he motioned for all of them to get into their cars and follow him. They did so, but only because he was their Captain. Each of the men REALLY wanted to drive to Rampart General Hospital to see their Friend, John Gage.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

_John Gage, in his coma state, was a 12-year-old boy again:_

_When he finally was well enough, he was put with the other children. Sister Mary Margaret told John that she would be there for him whenever he needed her. He did not like to say her whole name, so he asked her one day, "Can I just call you Sister M's?"_

_The woman smiled at the boy. She would never have children of her own, and had never regretted her decision to join the novitiate. She believed that 'Sister M's' was probably the closest she would ever come to being called 'mom', so she told the boy, "Yes, if you like, John." She worried about the child. He was quiet and withdrawn. She did not know if it was because of that the other children picked on him, or if it was because he was ½ Indian. But, the older boys beat him often and badly. She could not understand why the boy did not seem to fight back at all, even if to defend himself. Her heart ached the day she found the answer._

_The children were playing out on the grounds when three larger boys walked up to John. He was sitting quietly, as he always did, away from the activity of the other children. The taunting began with racial slurs, "Hey, half-breed" and continued with other insults, "You are just a stupid Indian. No one's gonna want you." John just took the abuse and then the boys beat John so badly they broke his arm. Sister M's took John to the hospital and they waited; and waited; and waited. _

"_I wish I was dead." John muttered as they waited their turn in the Emergency Room. Sister M's pretended like she did not hear his desperate declaration. She put an arm around him and pulled him close._

"_It will be okay, John. You will be okay." She did not know if she was telling the truth or not, but they were the only words she could utter as she pulled him closer. She could not begin to understand how helpless he felt and what would cause a young boy to wish for death. She would pray for John Gage until the day she died…pray that he would never act on his desire for death, or cause himself any intentional harm._

TBC

_*_from Virus (Ep. 2.4, Original airdate 10/7/72)


	18. Chapter 18

Title: Helpless – Pt. 18

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

In the cafeteria, Roy walked up to the table where Brackett and the Sheriff were talking. Brackett stood as he saw Roy approach and shook the man's hand. "Roy, thanks for getting here so quickly. This is Sheriff Jones, from Oklahoma. Like I told you on the phone, he has some things to tell us about Johnny's past. Since you are Johnny's next-of-kin and medical power of attorney, I felt you should be here." Brackett leaned his head toward the open chair at the table and Roy slid down into it.

"I didn't think John Gage had any living family…" Sheriff Jones questioned.

"He doesn't." Roy explained. "At least not anymore. He had an aunt, but she died awhile back, when Johnny and I were first partnered up. He told me about her dying and, when he did, he asked me if I would accept responsibility for his affairs and medical decisions in place of a family member. I agreed and the hospital and department have me on record as his 'next-of-kin.'" Roy summed up for the stranger. *

"An aunt, you say. I called all over looking for someone to take that kid after the accide…after what happened. I couldn't find anyone." The man admitted.

"I don't know the whole story…but, Johnny spent some time in an orphanage and a few foster homes before his high school track coach took him in. Uh, Tim Garner is his name. A year or so later, his aunt…uh, Sandra…showed up from California, and he came to live with her when he was 16 or so…" Roy trailed off because that was all he really knew.

"Sheriff, Johnny Gage is an enigma to us most of the time. He is not forthcoming with information about his past, his health, or his emotions. He tends to keep them hidden pretty well. However, as his doctor, I am privy to some things that Roy may or may not be aware of. So, I think you should just share what you have found out, and let's go from there." Brackett steered the conversation.

"Certainly, Dr. Brackett. As I was telling the doctor, Mr. DeSoto, I did some digging into the file on the car wreck that killed Gage's parents. It was pretty thin, but it did note that Mrs. Gage drowned and Mr. Gage bled to death after he dragged his son from the sinking vehicle." The Sheriff began.

"That's why Johnny started having those flashbacks after the storm drain rescue." Roy wondered aloud as Brackett nodded.

"Yeah, Roy. Apparently the smell of the water on that night and Johnny's near-drowing, mixed with the weather and anxiety of finding those boys, caused some repressed memories to come to the surface. I didn't even know Johnny was in the car when his parent's died. His records from Oklahoma show no hospital visit at all that night." Brackett returned his attention to the Sheriff and had wide, questioning eyes for him.

"Uh, yeah, that's right. I didn't think the kid was hurt that bad. I got 'im checked out at the office by a nurse before he went with the nuns." The man sheepishly stated. "I really didn't think he was that bad off…and to tell you the truth, he wouldn't have been treated at the hospital anyway…cuz'…well, you know." He bobbed his head toward Brackett.

Brackett shook his head in disgust as Roy's searching eyes sought an answer. "NO, I don't know…why would a hospital NOT treat an injured boy?"

Brackett responded, "Roy, by what Johnny and the Sheriff have told me, the racial climate in those days was not very…uh…favorable toward Indians. And, apparently, that is why Johnny did not get medical treatment that night and why his parents' deaths were never investigated properly. Would that be accurate, Rob?"

The man nodded his head in shame. "Yes. Wewoka and its citizens have come a long way, but there is still racial tension between the whites and Indians today. I do everything I can to be sure everyone is treated fairly as Sheriff, but it is a long, hard journey. Sometimes I feel helpless to change things." The man lowered his head in apparent shame.

Brackett and Roy allowed a few minutes of silence as they began to grasp the depth and breadth of the trauma and cruelty their Friend had encountered as a young, impressionable, boy. Brackett cleared his throat to nudge the Sheriff to provide more details.

"Oh, uh…yeah. Well, back to the file. Here it is." He tossed one of the files toward the doctor as Roy leaned in to peer over his arm. "It does report some damage to the back bumper of the Gage vehicle, but there was no further investigation beyond that…at least back then." The man took a deep sigh as he prepared to finish the story.

"I had my suspicions after we talked the other day, Dr. Brackett. So, I started to ask some questions. What I found confirmed the boy's…well, Mr. Gage's account that their vehicle was struck from behind and forced off the road." Both Brackett and Roy's faces shown their surprise and shock at the revelation that the accident that killed John's parents was no accident at all; it had been likely been murder.

"I was able to find out who was driving the other car…it was a man named Jack Webster. He had a grudge against the Tribal Counsel…blamed them for his father's death. Long story." The man hung his head.

Roy picked up the past tense…"You said the man's name 'was' Jack Webster. Does that mean he is dead?"

Sheriff Jones nodded his head. "Yes, Mr. DeSoto, he is dead. He killed himself about three years ago. His wife, Wilma, worked for the Department for years. In fact, she is the one that tended to the boy after the accident. She had no idea what her husband had done, until…well, he left a note the night he hanged himself and she was so distraught, she didn't know what to do. So…she just kept it a secret until I started askin' questions. The note is in the file, toward the back. Oh, and here is the file with the autopsy reports for Mr. and Mrs. Gage." The man put the other file in front of the two men across the table and began to sip of his coffee and then delivered more bad news.

"This was the first I saw the autopsy reports. My dad never talked about this incident after that night. It bugged him, but I wasn't sure why and he took it to his grave with him…just like Webster did. But, what's in that report, well…I'll let you read it for yourselves." He nodded toward the file and continued his coffee. Brackett and Roy began reading…

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Upstairs, in a trauma induced coma, John Gage was remembering more about that fateful night…

"_John, get dressed now sweetie. Dad and I are going to take you out for a special dinner tonight." Sarah Gage told her son._

"_Where are we going, Momma?" John asked excitedly. They rarely went out to eat._

"_Somewhere special. Your Dad and I have a surprise to share with you." She hinted._

_At the restaurant, Roderick Gage smiled at his son and told him to order anything he liked. "I like pie." John smiled. "Can I have pie?"_

_Roderick and Sarah Gage laughed at their son and he thought that he had never been happier. "Yes, John, you can have pie. But order something for dinner…not just dessert." His mother prompted. John complied and they awaited their meal._

"_So, can I know what the surprise is now?" John asked with anxious anticipation._

_Roderick looked at Sarah and smiled. Sarah nodded her head and they both looked toward their son again. "John, we have some wonderful news to share with you…we hope you will be as happy as we are." Sarah began._

"_John, your mother is going to have another child. She is pregnant, Son." Roderick beamed and took his wife's hand in his as they awaited John's response to the news._

_John was quiet at first; thoughtful. Then a smile washed across his face as he proclaimed, "I'm gonna be a big brother!"_

TBC

*From my story "Without Reservation".


	19. Chapter 19

Title: Helpless – Pt. 19

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Brackett and Roy both sighed deeply as they read the last notes on Sarah Gage's autopsy report.

"_Sixteen to Eighteen week old fetus: Deceased."_

Brackett shut the file and pushed it away as if he could 'push away' the information he had just read. He shook his head from side to side and he thought of his patient, and friend, John Gage.

"Do you think Johnny knew, Doc?" Roy sighed out.

"It may be why he repressed some of the memories of that night, Roy. He didn't remember the water, the drowning…maybe because his mind was dealing with this, too." Brackett's focus returned to the Sheriff.

"Rob, did he say anything to you that night about his mother or father? Anything?" Brackett queried.

"No. I asked questions, but he never answered. Mostly just answered with questions of his own." Brackett grinned slightly as he had similar experiences with John as well. "It frustrated me so much, that I got a little…uh…forceful with my questions. But, by then, he just stopped talking. He wouldn't tell me anything about the accident, family he may have, nothing. It was like he just…folded up inside himself." Roy and Brackett could see that the Sheriff was far away in his thoughts as he remembered back to that night. He came back to the present and offered,

"You, know, I let that kid down. I don't care if my dad was Sheriff. I shoulda done what needed to be done with this case." He took a deep breath and sighed. "When I checked other records, I saw his name again on a few other incident reports. Those are in that file there, too. That kid went through hell at some of the foster homes…almost died a couple times, far as I could tell."

Brackett and Roy glared at the man before them. "And you did nothing to help him! Even when you knew his life was in danger?" Roy fumed. Brackett put a hand on Roy's shoulder to calm him, but Brackett was thinking the same thing.

"No. He was in another part of the county when those things happened and it was not my jurisdiction. The only reason I have the reports now is that my district was enlarged about three years ago to include the towns where he was in foster care, so the reports were in the archives when I went to find his parents' file. I can only imagine how you all feel…hearing what your friend went through…and, no one was there to help him." The Sheriff consoled. "I hope he's gonna be okay. I really do."

Roy nodded his head and quietly said, "Me, too."

Just then they heard,

"_Paging Dr. Brackett to SICU, Code Blue. Dr. Brackett SICU, Stat."_

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

The alarm on the heart monitor went off first. Then the ventilator alarms sounded as well. The nurse at John's side saw that he was in distress. She told the other nurse to page Dr. Brackett while she began to assess her patient.

John's pulse was fast…too fast to read. His breathing was erratic as he was fighting the ventilator and it appeared he was waking from his coma state. The nurse uttered quiet, reassuring phrases as she took his vital signs.

"Mr. Gage, calm down. You are at Rampart Hospital. You are going to be okay." She murmured over and over while praying that Dr. Brackett arrived soon.

Her prayer was answered as Brackett and Roy stormed through the door. "What the hell is going on?" Brackett yelled as he sidled up to John's right side. There was no room around John's bed with the nurse and Brackett and all the machines, so Roy went to the foot of his Partner's bed.

"Dr. Brackett," The nurse replied nervously. This man always seemed to make her nervous, especially when a code was called. "The heart monitor shows sinus tachycardia and he is fighting the vent. His pulse is 120, and BP is 160/110."

Brackett put a hand on John's right arm and looked into his patient's eyes. "Johnny. Johnny can you hear me? Johnny, you need to calm down." The monitors showed that John was in serious distress and extremely agitated. Brackett did not want to use sedation if he could keep from it. "Johnny, hey. Roy's here." The doctor's eyes turned to the senior paramedic. "Roy, come on around here." He motioned his head toward where the nurse was now vacating her spot.

Roy took three steps and was at his Partner's side. He put a hand on John's shoulder and began to talk. "Johnny. I'm here Junior. Everything is gonna be alright. You need to calm down and let Brackett take care of you. Can you do that for us Johnny? Stop fighting the vent Johnny. Calm down, Partner." Roy's words seemed to soothe the panicked man and John's breathing became less and less labored and his heart rate began to drop to near normal levels.

As Roy's blue eyes met John's brown ones, Roy felt as though he saw great pain and loss in those eyes. "_He remembers._" Roy thought glumly. Roy was unsure of how to comfort his friend, but tried with what was safe.

"Johnny, you were hurt when we were in the building. Remember? They had to operate on you and you have been out for a while." Roy glanced at Brackett who just shook his head since he did not know what to offer either.

John's body continued to relax. His heart rate returned to normal. He stopped fighting the ventilator and began to allow the machine to determine his breathing patterns. And, the turmoil Roy saw in his Partner's eyes began to dissipate as well.

"Can you hear me, Johnny?" Brackett asked while he moved to make eye contact with his patient.

John's eyes followed to Brackett and the doctor thought he saw the slightest nod from the injured man. "You want me to take out the vent?"

"_He asks the dumbest questions_." John thought as he answered with his eyes this time.

"Roy, bring me that emesis basin. Nurse, get me a warm, wet towel." The two responded quickly to Brackett's orders and John was relieved of the vent.

After coughing and sputtering a few moments, Roy offered John a sip of water, which he gratefully accepted. John attempted to sit upright and was immediately covered with hands pushing him back onto the bed. "John, you just had major surgery. You need to rest right now." Brackett ordered. After watching the young paramedic for a moment, he asked, "How are you feeling, Johnny?"

John thought of the question. He thought of how he might answer. "_I'm fine, Doc_." Was his usual answer. But, he knew that would be a lie. "Not sure." He whispered-not really loud enough for the two men to hear. His memories washed over him again and his eyes misted.

"I just wanna die." He said honestly and more audibly, to the disbelief of his Doctor and Partner.

TBC


	20. Chapter 20

Title: Helpless – Pt. 20

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Brackett ordered John a mild sedative and called for Dr. Early to join Roy and him in his office. Roy sat quietly at John's bedside once he had been moved to a private room. Though he was grateful John was no longer in the SICU and it seemed the danger had passed, he was still very worried. The younger man had closed his eyes and was breathing lightly. Roy prayed he did not hear his friend say what he thought he did. Roy could not imagine his Partner, who had such compassion for others and limitless energy, desiring death over life. Something very wrong happened to cause this anguish and Roy hoped they would find out before they lost John forever.

Roy called to update JoAnne and the other guys, who were all still at Cap's house. He told them that John had awoken, was taken off the vent, and was now resting. But, he could not tell them of the last words he heard John utter, _"I just wanna die."_ He couldn't believe it; how would he convince them?

Dr.'s Brackett and Early were already discussing John's case when Roy knocked and entered the office. They paused their conversation to hear Roy's update. "I called everyone and told them he woke up. I couldn't tell them about the other…thing…" Roy stammered as a mist filled his eyes. "WHY would Johnny said that, Doc? What in in the hell would possess him to say those words?" Roy begged for an answer.

"Roy, we have to consider a lot of things here. He has been dealing with these…what did you call them, Kel?...repressed memories…" Brackett nodded his head as Dr. Early continued. "…he sustained a severe head injury only months after he barely survived a deadly virus. Add the anesthetic and other drugs he has still coursing through his body…and that could explain his despair."

"We are going to have Dr. Irwin talk to him later, if he's up to it, Roy." Brackett added. Roy knew Dr. Irwin was the hospital psychiatrist.

"Do you think he knows, Doc.?" Roy harkened back to their discussion with Sheriff Jones. Dr. Early looked at both men quizzically.

"Joe, we just talked with Sheriff Jones from Oklahoma. He brought files from the night Johnny's parents died. It seems that Johnny's mother was pregnant when she died." The older doctor shook his head back and forth and hung it low.

"Kel, this is a lot for anyone to deal with…much less with all the other things we know John has endured." He glanced at Roy, unaware he was just about to break doctor-patient confidentiality. Brackett interrupted.

"Yeah, Joe. It seems that Johnny has been through much more than we originally believed. He was in the car when his parents died." Brackett told Early something he and Roy had only recently come to know. "He almost drowned. Apparently, before he died, John's father pulled him to safety."

The three men sat in a din of silence after that final revelation and wondered if John Gage would ever recover from the past that returned to haunt him. They all felt helpless to do anything but offer silent prayers and hopes that he would, indeed, be alright.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Dr. Irwin was sitting next to John's bed when he awoke about an hour later. The nurse came in to do a vitals and neuro-check, and Dr. Irwin observed the man closely.

"Hey, Tiger. How are you doing?" Dixie asked her favorite paramedic. Dr. Irwin bristled at the informality of the exchange. However, when he saw John's eyes lock onto the woman ministering to his needs, he sat back to observe.

"How's your pain level, Johnny?" Dixie queried as she wrote his vitals on his chart.

"'m, okay, I guess." Was John's reply. Dixie furrowed her brow and regarded the young man for a moment.

"Don't play that game with me, John Gage. How's your pain level?" She asked more forcefully this time.

"Hurt's, Dix. My head, throat, and back…" The man trailed off as he noticed Dr. Irwin sitting next to his bed.

"What day is it?" The nurse asked as she held a thermometer ready to measure his temperature.

John rolled his eyes. "John Gage…last day I remember was the 22nd…Rampart General." He almost smiled as he looked back at his caretaker.

"Good. Now, under the tongue." John opened his mouth as she placed the thermometer. The two just looked at each other over the next couple minutes, Dixie smiling and humming while John followed her with his tired eyes. She recorded his temperature in the chart and then said…

"Johnny, this is Dr. Irwin. Kel asked him to come see you. He is the hospital psychiatrist. Now, I'm gonna leave you two alone. Is there anything else you need before I go?"

John moved his head slowly from side to side as she walked out of the room with a wave and another smile. When the door closed, John turned his attention toward his visitor.

"Brackett's worried 'bout me, huh?" John asked the doctor.

"Why would you say that, Mr. Gage." Dr. Irwin asked.

"_That's why I don't like shrinks," _John thought_. "They never directly answer a question."_

"Well, Brackett knows I don't like talking to shrinks, yet you're here anyhow..." John moved a bit to readjust and Dr. Irwin got up to help him. After John had found a comfortable position, Dr. Irwin took his seat again and John continued.

"I've been dealing with somethin' lately…talked to Roy and Dr. Brackett about it already. Just don't see a way past this nightmare, though." John admitted.

"Who's Roy?" The doctor asked.

"He's my partner. We are both Firefighters and Paramedics for the County." John clarified. "We've been teamed up for nearly two years now."

Dr. Irwin studied his patient and allowed the uncomfortable silence. Dr. Brackett had filled him in on a few of the issues the young man was dealing with, but the issue at hand was to determine if the man in the bed before him really would rather be dead than alive.

"Tell me what you meant by 'this nightmare', Mr. Gage." The doctor prompted.

John shifted uncomfortably and realized that the pain in his head was actually subsiding and not getting worse. He was grateful for that one positive thing. But, now he had to deal with the fallout of the last few days.

"Call me Johnny, Dr. Irwin. Everyone else does." John told the man. He took a deep breath and began his story of the past few days…the two boys rescued from the storm drain; his reaction to the smell of the sewer water and near drowning in the storm drain; the fact that he had not been sleeping well; the flashbacks he had of drowning and his father saving him; and, the most recent revelation—that his mother had been pregnant when she died. "I guess after remembering all that…I just…well, I just felt like that lonely 12 year old kid again. And, I wanted to be with my parents…my family. So, I said something stupid like I wanted to be dead." John took a deep breath, brushed away the tears that threatened to fall, and reached for the water glass next to his bed.

Dr. Irwin took in all that John had said. It was an incredible story of loss, grief and pain. He had some experience in treating patients with repressed memories and sudden recall, but this was still new territory for him. When John finished his water, the doctor asked him, "Well, Johnny, how do you feel now? Do you still want to be dead?"

TBC


	21. Chapter 21

Title: Helpless – Pt. 21

By: FanofRandy

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Dr.'s Early and Brackett and Roy left Brackett's office only to find four Firefighters standing in the waiting area of Rampart Emergency.

Cap approached first. "Roy, we felt helpless waiting around my house. So, we all decided to come here and see how John is doing. Nurse Dixie told us to wait for you out here." Cap's authoritarian voice was all but gone. He was not a captain leading his men right now, but a man who was desperately worried about his friend. The other's gathered around him to lend their strength and support to their leader.

"Yeah, Roy…" Chet added. "What's going on?"

Brackett stepped in front of Roy to answer. "Look guys. As Roy told you earlier, Johnny is awake and doing better. It will be a while still before anyone can see him. Joe and I are on our way up to check on 'im now. I hope to have more to tell you soon. You guys are welcome to wait in the doctor's lounge and I will update you as soon as I can. I promise." The doctor paused, and then added, "I know you guys feel helpless. We all do. At this point, it is all up to Johnny and we all know how stubborn he is." He offered a crooked smile and a wink as he and Joe departed and left the five men standing in their wake.

"Roy, what IS going on?" Mike asked quietly.

Roy answered just as quietly, "I wouldn't know how to explain it to you even if I could. Let's go get some coffee, guys. You all look beat." Roy began leading the way to the lounge, hoping that his Friend and Partner was actually doing better and no longer feeling that he wanted to die.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

John missed his parents desperately. In the weeks and months following their deaths, he wished and prayed for death to come and take him to be with them. He had not really remembered about his mother's pregnancy until the dreams he had during the coma. He wondered about this sibling, "_Would I have had a brother or a sister?_" And, then he thought, "_At least now I know why I hate water rescues so much_." Then, his attention returned to the question that was posed.

"No, I don't want to be dead." He finally answered. "There were times, after my parents died, that I really wished I was dead. The things that happened after they died…horrible things…well, I guess I had prayed for death. But, now…now I know that life is a gift and I wouldn't purposefully injure or harm myself if that is what you or Brackett are worried about." John concluded.

"That will put us more at ease, Johnny. But, how are you dealing with your new memories…the near drowning, your rescue by your father, the knowledge that your mother was pregnant when she died?" Dr. Irwin awaited the answer.

Hot tears formed in the corners of John's eyes as he heard it all again. "I don't know, Doc. I guess I feel guilty." The doctor's face formed a frown and John continued. "Guilty that Dad saved me and not Mom. I guess she could have been…dead…already, but why did he save me and not her?" The tears slid slowly down his cheek. "I miss 'em, Doc. I guess I just miss 'em."

Dr. Irwin nodded and put a hand on John's arm. After only an hour of knowing John Gage, this man wanted to take care of him, to comfort him, to make all these bad things go away. There was something about John Gage that made people like him.

"Johnny, we call what you are feeling now 'survivor's guilt'. We see it in cases like yours…in soldier's returning from war…and, really, it's normal to feel that way. But, you have to remember, you were 12 years old. You were a child. You are NOT to blame for anything that happened that night OR what happened later in the orphanage and foster homes." * Dr. Irwin let on that he knew more than John had shared.

"You know about all that?" John asked.

"Dr. Brackett did tell me some…for background purposes, Johnny. He only told me what he thought I needed to know and that was like pulling teeth. Dr. Brackett is very fond of you Johnny, very protective. And, now I can see why." Dr. Irwin explained. "Earlier, when Nurse McCall was in here, I was a bit disarmed by her 'way' with you. Her lack of protocol and relaxed manner in performing her duties. But, now I know that it was because she cares about you, just like Dr. Brackett does, and I'm sure many others do, too."

"Where are you goin' with this, Doc?" John probed.

"I just want to help you realize that you may have lost your parents, and your unborn sibling, but you still have a family. It's not always about DNA…" The doctor continued. "A family is a group of people who care for one another, take care of each other, and would do anything to help the others. Don't you think you have that with Dr. Brackett, Nurse McCall, Roy and the other Firemen you work with, Johnny?" The doctor allowed what he said to sink in with his patient.

"Yeah, I know I have a family, Doc. Roy's kids call me 'Uncle Johnny', you know?" He paused. "I know that I have people who care about me…who love me. But, it doesn't make me miss them any less." He confessed.

"It shouldn't. You will miss them forever, Johnny. But, you know you have THIS family to lean on…and, me, of course…if you have any more of these memories come up." The doctor assured.

"You think there are more, Doc?"

"There could be. Considerable trauma can result in children using a variety of coping mechanisms to deal with it. Repressing those memories that are too hard to deal with is one way…it is a type of disassociation. It does not mean you're crazy, but you need to be careful. Your job is fraught with danger, stress and trauma in and of itself. It is a wonder that it took this long for these memories to come to light. But, in talking with you today, I am sure that you will be able to handle them when they do." Dr. Irwin put out his hand for John to shake.

John took the proffered hand. "Thanks, Doc. You know, I believe I draw my strength from the memory of my parents and other ancestors that have gone on before me. And, from those around me who care for me and believe in me, too. I'd probably be dead right now if it weren't for Roy and Dr. Brackett…several times over." He let out a half laugh as the doctor gave him a strange look. "Let's just say, this is not my first stay at 'Hotel Rampart', Doc." The two men smiled at one another and the doctor made his departure. Shortly after the door closed, it opened once again and Roy was standing before his Friend.

The two men made eye contact and both appeared to be assessing the other. "You okay?" They both asked at the same time.

Roy moved toward John and let out a laugh. "Just like you to ask me that question when you are the one who almost…well…we almost lost you…again." Roy put his hand on his Partner's shoulder. "Look, Junior, I need you to promise me something."

John looked curiously at Roy and cocked his head and said. "Promise what?"

"I need you to promise me that this is the LAST time you are going to be a patient in this hospital." Roy said.

The men gazed upon one another, relished the fact that they were both alive. "Deal!" John said as he reached out to shake his Partner's hand.**

TBC

*from my story "Without Reservation"

**HAHA-we all know that this would NOT be the last time John Gage would visit Rampart as a patient (in the series or in FanFiction!)


	22. Chapter 22

Title: Helpless – Pt. 22

By: FanofRandy

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The next week was frustrating for John. His recovery progressed, but far too slowly for his liking. He was grateful that Roy and Brackett kept the information they had to themselves and did not breech his confidentiality. He was still working through the shock of losing, not only his parents, but an expected sibling as well. He was sitting on his bed after an arduous physical therapy session when the door to his room burst open.

"Unca' Johnny!" Came the cry of four-year-old Jennifer DeSoto. She ran toward John and was too fast for Roy to grab her before she leapt into his arms.

"Hey there." He yelped as he took the full weight and force of her acrobatics. "How's my princess?"

He saw Roy mouthing the words, "_I'm sorry_." But, just shook his head as he relished the first visit from Roy's family since he had been injured.

"I missed you, Unca Johnny." The little blond girl cried into his neck. John rocked the girl back and forth until she was calm.

"I missed you, too, Little One." John admitted. "Where's Christopher?" John aimed the question at Roy, but Jennifer answered.

"He's with Momma. They are getting you a hamburger and French fries." The child let the secret out. Roy smiled broadly and laughed with John.

"So much for the surprise, Junior." Roy admitted. "I have to remember to never tell a four year old a secret."

"I can keep a secret, Daddy. I didn't tell him 'bout the shake." Jenny adjusted herself on her Uncle's lap and stared into his eyes as the two men continued laughing.

As Jenny continued her inspection of her Uncle, Christopher and JoAnne joined the party. JoAnne walked over to John and kissed his cheek. "I am so glad you are okay, Johnny. You had Roy and I worried, you know? Goodness, you just had that virus thing a few months ago and now this. You are positively turning my hair gray, John Gage." She smiled and put her hand around Jenny and John, who seemed to have melted together.

"Here you go, Uncle Johnny." Chris chimed in as he brought a paper bag to his Uncle. "We got you a surprise."

"I already telled him." Jenny declared.

"You told him! Aw, Dad…" Chris whined. The adults in the room were giggling along with Jenny who was now being tickled by John, and Chris soon joined them. The sound was like a cool rain on a parched earth…refreshing and life-giving. "It's not fair, Dad. She can't keep a secret at all."

John nodded toward Roy as if to say, "_I've got this one_." He turned his attention toward Chris.

"Hey, Sport…I know it's hard sometimes, but you should always be grateful you have your sister. You two will always be there for each other, and that is not something to take for granted." John thought of how he would have been a big brother like Chris was and hoped the two would understand one day. Chris walked over to John and put the bag of food on the bed beside his Uncle.

"I understand, Uncle Johnny…but, she is still a pest sometimes, you know?" Chris declared.

John smiled at the honesty of the boy, and changed the subject. "Thanks for the surprise, Chris. What kind of shake did you get me?" John asked. Jenny started to answer, but JoAnne was quicker than the four year old's mouth and covered it with her hand.

"Vanilla, just like you always get, Uncle Johnny." Chris said proudly. The eight year old stood in front of his dad, and John considered how much the boy looked like his father and thought for a moment of his own father. He returned quickly to the present…

"That's great, Sport. Thanks, again. So, what do you have planned to do today?" He asked all the DeSoto's.

"Visit'n you, Unca Johnny." Jenny piped up after pulling her mother's forgotten hand off her mouth. John smiled down at the girl.

"That can't be all you have planned for a Saturday, Princess. What about the beach, the zoo, the park?" John asked.

"Momma asked us what we wanted to do today. Me 'n Chris both said we wanted to see you. Daddy wouldn't let us come before. He said you was really tired and we was too young." Jenny frowned as she told the last part, but smiled when tiny blue eyes met brown ones. The two once again dissolved into one another.

"Thanks, Princess. I am glad you came to visit. I feel a lot better." John shifted to allow himself to lie back on the upright portion of the bed. Roy could tell his Friend's body was fatigued and he was getting tired holding Jennifer. But, knowing his Partner the way he did, he knew that John needed this visit even more than the kids did.

"You gettin' tired, Junior?" Roy asked.

"A little, but 's okay." John answered as Jenny rambled on about her doll's tea party and Chris explained a school project he wanted John to help him with. JoAnne and Roy stood off to the side, barely noticed, as the children and John got reacquainted.

John's yawn told everyone that it was time to leave. "Okay, kids. Let's pack up and let Uncle Johnny get his rest." JoAnne said to a cry of "_Awwwwwwws_." from the children AND John.

"We can come back tomorrow after church. Right now, Johnny needs his rest so he can get better and go home soon." She prompted again. The children begrudgingly crawled from John's lap and bed and shuffled slowly toward the door. Jenny blew kisses to him as her mother put her jacket on and kissed John's cheek as well. "See you later, Johnny." She turned to her husband. "See you at home later?" She asked as she kissed and hugged him goodbye.

"Yeah, I won't be too far behind." He lied. She gave him a knowing look.

"Right…" She murmured as she and the children left the room.

The two men were alone in the room for the first time since the day John woke up.

"Junior, we have to talk." Roy sighed as he slid a chair next to the bed.

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John wasn't sure he was up to the kind of talk Roy had in mind. But, considering what Roy probably already knew, he thought he owed his Friend some type of explanation. John had continued to talk with Dr. Irwin and had sorted through more of his feelings and issues. Dr. Irwin was not surprised that John had repressed memories of his youth considering some of the other stories John shared with him about the incidents of racism, abuse, and near-torture. The doctor was quite surprised; however, that John had any ability to form bonds with others at all. But, he had formed a new family of brother Firemen, co-workers at the hospital, and the children and spouses of his friends. Dr. Irwin believed that John Gage would be alright.

"Okay, Roy. Where do you want me to start?" John asked his Partner; avoiding eye contact at all.

Roy walked over to John's bedside and put his hand on John's shoulder. "Hey, Partner…it's just you and me here. No need to be embarrassed, or afraid. I won't judge you, Johnny. I just need to know how all this is going to affect you now and how I can help you through it." Roy offered.

John sat back on the raised head of the bed and allowed Roy's hand to fall from his shoulder. Roy took a seat in the chair he pulled up to the bedside. He allowed silence until his Partner was ready.

John took a deep breath as he organized his thoughts. "I guess the best place to start is where this all began…in that storm drain with those boys we rescued." John began. Roy nodded as his Friend continued his narrative.

"Dr. Brackett guessed that it was the smell and probably the rainy weather that caused me to start to have flashbacks of the night my parents died. Dr. Irwin agreed with him, too. Then when I hurt my head during that building collpase, I guess my subconscious just took over and I got lost in the past somehow. Dr. Irwin said that the brain can do funny things when it experiences a trauma like that. And, I guess when I finally remembered that Mom was pregnant and that I not only lost her and dad, but…the baby, too…a whole family…well, I just kinda felt like I wanted to die, too." John explained his statement upon waking from his coma.

Roy nodded his understanding. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to John to wipe the silent tears that were sliding freely down his Partner's face. "Here, Junior." He said as he passed the linen tissue to John.

"Thanks, Pally." Was all John said. After a few more moments of quiet, he asked Roy, "What else did you find out when you talked to the Sheriff and Brackett?"

Roy knew that the Sheriff had left before talking with John, but that Brackett had told the younger man about who had caused the accident that killed John's family. "Brackett didn't share anything. I was only there as your next-of-kin, Johnny. The Sheriff told us about the accident, the coroner's reports…and, he said you were sick after you went to the orphanage…almost died. Told us about what happened to the guy who ran you off the road…that's about it. You never told me you were in the car when your parents died, Johnny."

John sighed deeply. "Not exactly a conversation-starter, Roy." John smirked. When his eyes met Roy's they were finally dry and he continued.

"Roy, there's a lot you still don't know about my life…some stuff I might never share with anyone…Brackett knows cuz' he has my records.* And, I guess Dr. Early and Dixie know some or all of it, too. But, most of it I just as soon forget, you know?" He took a drink of water. "Kinda weird how I forgot something important like Mom being pregnant, but I can't forget all the other crap, even though I try every day. Roy…I know I have to earn your trust again, but I just hope you give me the chance to show you that I won't let you down."

Roy's face contorted as he heard the last words John said. He fought the urge to raise his voice. "What in the hell are you talking about, Junior. Why wouldn't I trust you?"

"Well, I thought maybe you would think that my past is too much for me to deal with and that I wouldn't be able to handle it, I guess." John admitted his fear.

Roy gave a half-smile. "Junior, I trust you with my life. I have since the day we were assigned as partners. I know you have my back. My only concern is…do YOU trust me?"

"Roy, you saved my life in that building. I could hear you talkin' to me…even though I was…somewhere else; I could hear you and that kept me going. Yes, I trust you, Roy. I trust you with my life."

"With ALL your life, Johnny? Even your past?" Roy asked. The younger man was silent and he drew a deep breath and held it in for a few moments before blowing it out again.

"Yes, Roy. I trust you with ALL my life. Just don't expect me to tell you everything all at once. That would be pretty overwhelming for both of us I think. But, I promise, I will be more open and honest with my past…and, with the other guys, too. Just give me time, huh?" John requested.

"We've got all the time in the world, Johnny. All the time in the world." Roy assured.

TBC

*from my story "Without Reservation"


	23. Chapter 23

Title: Helpless – Pt. 23

By: FanofRandy

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John was discharged from the hospital two days after his talk with Roy. His recovery progressed remarkably and he was back to work four weeks after the building collapse. The guys from C-shift and A-shift welcomed John back with resounding cheers, handshakes and pats on the back. As he made his way to his locker, he paused before opening it and looked at Chet Kelly.

"Am I safe, Chet?" John asked 'the Phantom'.

"The Phantom lurks everywhere, Gage." Chet answered.

"The Phantom better take a holiday, Kelly." Cap called out and added, "Roll Call in fifteen, men."

All eyes turned to Chet and he hung his head sheepishly and said, "You're safe…for today anyway. The Phantom wouldn't strike on your first day back. Too predictable for him."

John smiled as he continued to get ready for his shift. The other men dissipated, leaving Roy and John alone in the locker room.

"So, how ya' doin', Junior?" Roy asked. John knew it was a routine question and his Partner asked out of habit more than anything.

"Roy, I just had lunch at your house yesterday. I'm the same as I was then." John answered.

"Did ya' sleep okay?" The senior Paramedic probed.

John cocked his head and smiled. As his smile reached his eyes, he answered, "Yes, Pally. I slept fine. I went to the hospital yesterday and a clean bill of health from Early and Brackett. And, Dr. Imus said he would like to see me every now and again, but did not feel the need to keep me from the job." John summed.

"Good! Glad to hear it." Roy said. "Hey, I got something for you." Roy handed him a gift-wrapped package. "It's from the kids. They wanted me to give it to you today as a sort of 'welcome back to work' present."

John finished tying his shoes and took the proffered package. "What's this? They don't have to give me anything." He flushed with embarrassment.

Roy just nodded as he watched his Partner open the package. Once opened, John pulled out a photo frame. Thinking it was a photo of Roy's children or family, John turned it over in his hands. He was quiet as he read what it said.

"_**It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.'**_

_**I do not agree. The wounds remain.**_

_**In time, the mind, protecting its sanity,**_

_**covers them with scar tissue and the pain**_

_**lessens. But it is never gone."**_

_**Rose Kennedy**_

John felt the hot tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he rubbed the glass cover of the beautiful, and accurate, words of Rose Kennedy. Roy put an arm around John's shoulder and gave a slight hug.

"You know, Junior. You never have to feel helpless again. I'm here, Cap, the guys, Jo, and the kids…we are your family now and we will help you through all the pain of the past…but, we can only help if you let us."

Truer words—Rose Kennedy's and Roy's—had never been spoken in John's presence before.

"Thanks, Pally…for everything." John placed the gift in his locker and the two Friends joined the rest of A-shift for Roll Call.

The End.


End file.
